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This week: Agonizing Blur, mucho masturbation, sharp-looking midgets! Plus: Diaper Boy beaten in savage attack!!
"edited" by AL SOUTH F This is for the ranter who thought that the guitarist of the Vendettas might be a bit of an asshole. You're wrong: he's a WHOLE LOT of an asshole. In fact, the only thing that's more outstanding than his capacity to be an asshole is his ability to play his instrument like nobody's business. [BLEEP!] M I'm watching this Blur interview on MusiquePlus right now and it is thoroughly fucking agonizing. Why don't they just do the whole interview in English and replay it later with French subtitles at the bottom? They've only asked them about four questions. The rest of the time has been wasted while the VJ sits around translating the whole thing. Come on, this is TERRIBLE. [BLEEP!] M Hi, this is Arthur and I want everyone to be on the lookout for these two teenagers who beat me up last Sunday on Wellington Street in Verdun. One of them was black and the other guy was white--a real mean bastard with green eyes and bad teeth. As readers of the Rant Line are aware, I sometimes like to walk around town in a DIAPER. No big deal, it just makes me feel good to go into public places, minding my own business, wearing one of my diapers. Anyway, these guys started making a big deal of the way I was dressed and when I told them to go to hell they turned around and started punching and kicking me. Not even a single person tried to intervene. They all just stood around and laughed while these two bullies tormented me. And the police? Forget it! I went to make a report at the station, right around the corner from where I got attacked and the officers acted as if I was totally crazy. Now I know why so many rape victims never bother to report their attackers to the authorities. [BLEEP!] M Masturbation on the Rant Line? Well, I don't exactly masturbate on it but I've certainly used it to clean up my SPUNK afterwards. Isn't that what free alternative weeklies are for anyway? [BLEEP!] F The Rant Line makes me want to masturbate all the time. I don't know why, but it does. I know that may seem weird, but what am I supposed to do about it? [BLEEP!] F I think it would be cool if there were more masturbation on the Rant Line, but the problem is that only the "editors" would get to hear it. What would be really wicked-ass cool was if you made cassette copies of all the masturbation messages that you get and include them in every Mirror hereinafter so everyone could enjoy them. [BLEEP!] F For sure there should be more masturbation on the Rant Line. I just read it and there were two mentions of people masturbating and now I feel like doing it myself. So here I am, calling the Rant Line, wanting to masturbate. [BLEEP!] M Absolutely, there should be more masturbation on the Rant Line. I mean, it turns me on knowing that there are people out there masturbating into their phones. Besides, masturbation is good for our bodies. The Rant Line should be EXCLUSIVELY about masturbation! [BLEEP!] F I can totally relate to that girl who wants to fuck another girl. I've been in the same situation dozens of times and let the moment slip away from me. Girls need a secret code that will let each other know when we want to get into each other's PANTIES. It's all so confusing. [BLEEP!] M For the longest time I thought that girls longing to sleep with other girls only happened in PORNO movies. I'm a good-looking guy who has had plenty of girlfriends, but none of them would ever have gotten into that. I'm just wondering--who are these people who are into this kind of thing and where the hell can I go to meet them? [BLEEP!] M Why is it politically correct for women to say that they like big dicks but uncool for guys to say that they like tight pussies? To that girl who had sex with the 281 stripper--good for you, Miss, you just used another human being solely for one part of their anatomy. SICK. Stop the discrimination about penis size! [BLEEP!] F Hi, has anyone ever heard the birds singing at five in the morning? Has anyone ever seen a RAINBOW--just as the sun and the rain come together? Has anyone ever watched the sun come up and go down and the moon moving through the clouds while the sky changes colours? All anyone cares about anymore is Tommy Hilfiger and LL Cool J! Why don't you go for a walk and talk to the SQUIRRELS or to a tree or to the sky? Forget about Tommy Hilfiger for a second, get real and talk to the birds. There is much more to the world than fashion. [BLEEP!] M I just saw the coolest thing in the metro--a MIDGET with this incredible suit on. I think this city needs more midgets because midgets make people happy. [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum
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