This week: Dirty guitar players, clueless dry humpers, battling masseuses!

Plus: Spoiled students are revolting!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M This is Jesse and Bobby from the Kingpins and we think the main reason the Montreal music scene sucks is that you can't get a decent MARTINI on St-Lawrence without first having to pay a massive cover charge just to get in the door. There you have it. [BLEEP!]

F What is up with guys in Montreal? I was at the Collective Soul show and there was this guy totally pressed up behind me trying to DRY HUMP me. When I turned around I could see that he had a ton of room behind him and was just trying to get off on me. Is it a Montreal guy thing to try and dry hump girls' asses at concerts? Someone give me a clue. [BLEEP!]

M Hey! What's up? I was at Bourbon Street West on Sunday and I saw Pigeon Hole and the Vendettas and let me tell you--they rocked. The only bad thing I have to say is that the guitar player from the Vendettas is a horrible show-off--his playing is really DIRTY and sloppy and I think he might a bit of an asshole. Even still, it was a great show and I hope they play again real soon. [BLEEP!]

M I have to say--Rupert Bottenberg sounds like a prick! [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to that MusiquePlus breakdance competition rant from last week. I just called MusiquePlus and they told me that they have no idea whatsoever about this flyer and that the promoter just put the MusiquePlus logo on by mistake. They said that they were not officially involved in this competition. I just thought the ignorant PARANOID guy who phoned in this rant might be interested in this information. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I'm looking for some clarification on this. You see, I'm WHITE and I'm not quite sure on how to dress like a white person. Right now, I'm wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt. Is that all right? Is that white? Also, is it still okay if I listen to my James Brown records or should I start turning on to Barry Manilow? I'd really like some input on this 'coz I sure don't want to offend anybody. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so I'm white and I like to wear FUBU. Go ahead and kill me. Father, I have sinned against the great African race. Forgive me, for my black brother on the Rant Line is all uptight and has a stick up his ass 'coz sometimes I wear a certain clothing line. [BLEEP!]

M Well, slap my ass and call me Charlie! I always thought LL Cool J was white. [BLEEP!]

F I've spent the week preparing for the sick and pathetic responses I'd be receiving for my REAL massage therapy rant and this is for the girl who told me to go and give some head. It's people like you who give massage therapy a bad name. Go work in a WHOREHOUSE and stop calling yourself a massage therapist. I will never give head or hand jobs to those sick, pathetic losers who call me up. Go jerk these fuckers off, do whatever you want, but just don't go calling yourself a massage therapist. ADVERTIZE yourself as the whore that you are. As for me being a tight-assed bitch, I'd rather be tight-assed than fuck every stranger and dick that comes through my house. Sucking dicks won't make me smile because I don't like it--only with my boyfriend. If I sound like an ANGRY woman it's because I am an angry woman! I'm fed up with men thinking that I was put on this earth to become their INFLATABLE SEX TOY. [BLEEP!]

F The Mirror does a feature on SPERM BANKS during International Women's Week? That is pathetic. [BLEEP!]

F This is for that little LOSER in Peel metro on Monday night--I hope you learned your lesson of not trying to follow girls home since we KICKED your ass. We're all wondering--does your nose hurt? [BLEEP!]

M If these fucking McGill students want to protest about their TUITION fees, let them do it at their own school and not at the South Shore bus terminus. What are you people thinking, anyway? You're not accomplishing anything by making it hard for people like myself to get home after work and, besides, what's your big problem to begin with? Most of you fuckers are having your tuition paid for by your mommies and daddies so what do you care? You SPOILED BRATS really make me sick. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I'm on an incredible acid trip right now and I could hook that guy up with some high-grade acid anytime but... uh... I'm not sure how he'll find me... [Laughs for about 30 seconds, then continues with long, thoroughly incomprehensible rant about nothing.] [BLEEP!]

F Why is it so hard for me to find a girl to sleep with me and my boyfriend? I've been trying for almost six months now and I haven't found anyone. I thought Montreal was supposed to be so liberated and sexually free. I must be looking in the wrong places. Any ideas? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.