This week: DJ Dick Knight, hippie flowers, Liverpudlian doctors!

Plus: Bring back the Tea Party and Our Lady Peace!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F Hi, I've been in Montreal for about a week now and I can't believe how there seems to be no live music scene here--where are all your local bands?! In Boston, we have, like, maybe 12 clubs where you can see bands on just about any night of the week. Maybe I chose the wrong week to visit Canada, but I find it really surprising to find a city the size of Montreal with practically no music scene. Is it simply too cold up here for a scene to exist? Beautiful city, though--and I love the boys! [BLEEP!]

F Why doesn't CHOM play the Tea Party anymore? Why did they change their playing list to all this weird crappy old music? Hey, if nobody plays the Tea Party or Our Lady Peace, who is going to support Canadian music? [BLEEP!]

M Jesus, would you people at the Mirror stop picking on CHOM. I know they're not very good but, really, what do you want from them? What else are you going to listen to? They may kinda suck but they're still a million times better than Mix 96 or any of the French stations. Don't be so hard on them. [BLEEP!]

M I just saw CHOM's Steve Anthony on television and I noticed that he finally got a new HAIRCUT. Thank you, Steve--thanks for joining us in the new millennium! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, big Voivod fan, don't you know that those guys were involved in a big car accident last year? Read the papers, man. They're working on some new projects right now, but I can't imagine that you're really as big a fan as you say you are if you didn't even know about their car crash. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, I was at Stereo this weekend and I heard this DJ, Dick Knight and, like, where the hell did this guy come from? He blew everyone out of the water. I just want to know why no one has ever mentioned him. Hello? He's like one of the best DJs this city's ever seen. I really think we should be paying closer attention to him. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, here's a rant. I'm a DJ and I just got this record in my record pool called "Doo Dah" by Cartoons. It's a fucking techno version of "Camptown Races"! Is a more useless product than this even possible? What's worse is that they're playing this shit on the radio! Is this city sick or what? [BLEEP!]

M This is my first time calling in to the Rant Line and it's to congratulate that girl who put down that Phish-y hippie chick. I'm really glad that someone had the decency to insult that little FLOWER whore, 'coz these hippies don't realize that their free love gave us free syphilis and a whole whack of other problems! [BLEEP!]

M Since you ask, graf artists actually have redecorated my home--and the homes of many others--and the results are much more appealing to the THIRD EYE than your beige paint and your ugly wallpaper. Instead of the police doing a crackdown on the taggers, the taggers should do a crackdown on your skull! [BLEEP!]

F Those lame-assed taggers should really think about trading in their spray cans for CHISELS to make license plates 'coz, hopefully, if there is any justice out there--or COOL COPS--their asses will be in prison. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the MUC PIG who stopped me from putting up posters yesterday and lectured me as if I were some little-assed kid. Fuck you, man, we're going to throw a party that's going to bust your asses and there's nothing you can do about it 'coz we got it all covered. That's right, baby, we got it all covered now! [BLEEP!]

F This is a message to a LIVERPUDLIAN doctor who has recently arrived in Montreal. His name is Paul, he's studying ALZHEIMER'S and he met a girlfriend of mine at the Cardigans show. This is to tell him to please, please go see her where she works 'coz I'm sick and tired of hearing about how he hasn't come to see her. Thank you so much. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, guys! Does anybody out there remember the Dysfunctions? The singer looked a hell of a lot like that comedian Steven Wright--could they be the same guy? Just wondering. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I'm watching TSN right now and I am truly disgusted. They're supposed to be broadcasting sports and stuff and do you know what they're showing right now? BLACK JACK. Yeah, a fucking Black Jack game! You can't see the players hands or anything. It's not even a sport. I cannot believe this shit! This is un-fucking-believable! Christ, I'm speechless. [BLEEP!]

M Last night a driver from [names local taxi company] told me that even though his company only has 300 cars on the road, they still get more calls than Diamond Taxi with 1000 cars. He told me that the reason for that is because his company doesn't have any black drivers. That's pretty fucked up. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum