This week: Velvety Earth Tongue, smell-o-Phish, mysteries of absinthe!

Plus: Diaper Boy lashes out against children of the Rant Line!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Where the fuck are Voivod? These guys were the best thing to ever come out of Montreal--or Canada for that matter! The NOTHINGFACE! A face of nothing! Nothing! Fucking brilliant concept! Did they split up or something? I love these guys! I love the Nothingface! [BLEEP!]

M This is going out to that girl who was saying there were no Deadheads in Montreal. This is absolutely untrue--we are simply very small in population. Everyone likes to laugh at Deadheads but we still exist and we shall prevail. I want everyone to know that there's this place on St-Denis between Sherbrooke and Ontario called Les Conneries where a lot of the local Montreal 'heads hang out. On Thursdays they have this really groovy band called VELVETY EARTH TONGUE and they're pretty cool and weird. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F If that chick wants Phish so badly then maybe she should practice some of her YOGA moves so she can better position her hippie head between her dirty old thighs. That's where the fish are. [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling about the Revolution party that they had at the Limelight. What the fuck are they thinking mixing electronica and industrial with Brit-pop? Don't they know that Brit-pop is not electronic at all? Brit-pop is quiet music that is best played in COFFEE SHOPS and such--not on the dancefloor. [BLEEP!]

M I just want that drum & bass girl to know that I'm a very well-educated guy in his late 20s and I MAKES a lot of money. And, you see, I have a need for a type of music that gives me a HEROIC and magnificent atmosphere. I have a need for music to be highly technical and with a lot of harmonies. I need a music with kicks--double-kicks, actually--and with that awesome distorted sound. How can you say that a type of music is useless just because you can't wiggle your little butt to it? I don't care what people say, rock 'n' roll is here to stay! [BLEEP!]

M Graffiti art is so 1980's. You taggers really need to get over your big bad selves. [BLEEP!]

M If you people all love these little TAGGING shits so much then why don't you invite them all over to your place and have them REDECORATE. I spend three hours a day on public transport and I'm sick and tired of seeing this shit! The police need to do a crackdown! [BLEEP!]

M (angry) This rant is concerning the Notre Dame de Paris auditions held last Sunday. I don't get it. I'm a professional dancer and I've spent my entire life being the best dancer I can be and then finally something rolls into town with a major budget and they give all the parts to a bunch of little amateur girls. These little CHICKIES get to do the chorus line in this million-dollar production. A doctor studies for years, works hard and then gets rewarded with a great job. Dancers study and work very hard, too, but when a very rare and great job comes to Montreal they don't get picked--amateurs get the part instead. This is really unfair. I'm so very, very confused. [BLEEP!]

M If you really want to get some ABSINTHE, then you're going to have to go to Amsterdam and bring some back and then get thrown in jail for like, two years, just for drinking something that greats like Van Gogh and Rimbaud used to drink. I'm sorry, but we Canadians live in a fucked-up country. [BLEEP!]

M To the chick looking for absinthe. You can easily find the recipe on the Net but I've drank it before and let me tell you--this is PUTRID shit. You're better off drinking stuff from your mother's liquor cabinet. [BLEEP!]

F To the woman who is looking for absinthe. You can find absinthe at the Mélange Magique on Ste-Catherine. This is what you've got to do--keep it in vodka for awhile, then put in some Pernod and drink it. It's an excellent buzz--good for musicians and artists and painters. It might make you crazy though. [BLEEP!] [Ed's note: Readers are advised to try this potion at their own risk.]

M Hello, I am the person that you people have come to refer to as Diaper Boy. I just want to thank everybody for their support--some of you have been really great throughout all of this. However, I want it to be known that I am not a boy, but a man--an ADULT BABY! I'm not sick, or weird, or any of the rotten things that some of you have called me in these pages. I simply love wearing diapers and like to be treated like an infant sometimes. So please give me a little respect and in the future refer to me by my real name, which is ARTHUR, and not by some insulting handle that you REAL children think is funny. Bye y'all. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Diaper Boy, seriously, I'm wearing a big ol' diaper right now and I sure wish I had a friend like you to come over so we could soil them together. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum