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Frantic romantics >> Gangsters of love the Kingpins expound on matters of the heart by RUPERT BOTTENBERG
1. You've been single for a good long stretch. A friend offers to set you up on a blind date. They describe this person as "unconventionally attractive, with an unusual sense of humour and endearing personality quirks." What is your initial reaction? Lorraine: "Being an idealist, my first thought would be, 'Woo-hoo!' I mean, who wants to date someone normal? Of course, after a moment or two, I might remind myself that the adjective 'endearing' often morphs into 'annoying.' But having nothing to lose, I would qualify 'unconventional attractiveness and unusual sense of humour, for myself." Paddy: "I would probably say 'Yes, go ahead, set me up,' after which I would take her home to my place for a nice romantic evening of take-out noodles and condoms. Of course, I would make sure all the lights were out, because as with most blind dates, she would probably not be someone I'd like to see very much." 2. You're at a party, and across the room you see someone who causes you to be struck by that lightning bolt that is all too frequently mistaken for love. How do you proceed from here? Lorraine: "Hmmm... depends on how much I'd been drinking. Knowing me, I'd act my shoe size and let it slip out loud, 'Wow, I'd be totally into meeting that guy,' and hope that someone does something about it. If that failed, though, I would make sure we would 'bump' into each other somewhere away from the crowd... hee, hee, hee..." Paddy: "I would try to find someone to introduce me to that person, preferably someone who knows that person very well, so I could get some pre-info about that person. If they would tell me to forget about it, because that person is actually involved with someone else, I would stake out the person she was in the relationship with, and try to cause a distraction, by maybe getting some of the Kingpins to take him downstairs in the alleyway at knifepoint, so that I might proceed to go to work." 3. You're on a first date, and a tight budget to boot (like, $20). How do you work this dilemma out, and provide a good time for your date and still pay your rent? Lorraine: "I've always heard that the way to a man's heart (read: libido) is through his stomach. You can whip up a pretty awesome dinner at home with a good bottle of wine and a carefully selected movie on that budget." Paddy: "I'd look around the house for odds 'n' ends kind of food, with which to prepare a very interesting, romantic picnic, with leftover wine--and around my house there's normally leftover wine. I would take her to Mount Royal for the picnic. All the effort I've made would probably endear me to her in a major way. After the meal, we'd already be on the mountain, and I don't need to stress the fact that there's tons of neat foliage around there." 4. By now, it's date #3 and still no action. You wish to proceed to more intimate involvement with this person. How do you make this clear to them? Paddy: "Like all Kingpins, and fellow renaissance men, I try to stay away from old-time tools of sexual persuasion, such as billy clubs and roofies. I like to do unorthodox things, like this shadow puppet display that I normally play for my date to let her know I'd like to get more intimately physical with her. This particular shadow puppet display has very subtle imagery in it that actually acts on a person's subconscious in order to get her in the mood." Lorraine: "Act very sensual, then nail him up against the wall and jump his bones, leaving him little or no choice." 5. Action was achieved, but now it's been a week since, and you haven't called each other since. How do you re-establish contact? Lorraine: "Assuming I want to re-establish contact, I would put in a very casual phone call in my spare five minutes that week, and set up another action... I mean, date." Paddy: "I would assume that I wasn't very enthralled with the action in question, or vice versa, but I would seriously doubt the latter. In any case, if neither party has called the other in a week, then I would just say, 'Why bother?'" The Kingpins launch Let's Go to Work at Club Soda, Saturday, February 13, 8:30pm, $10, all ages, with guests Rude Boy and the Cartel
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In honour of their Valentine's Day launch for their second disc, Let's Go to Work, the Mirror asked Kingpins frontpersons Paddy Walsh and Lorraine Muller for their musings on five romantic brainbenders. Their respective replies echo loudly across the great chromosomal divide: