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>> Oral sex for Valentine's Day

by JULIET WATERS

There was a young fellow named Meek

Who invented a lingual technique.

It drove women frantic

And made them romantic,

And wore all the hair off his cheek.

Unfortunately, you won't find out what Meek's technique is in Going Down: Lip Service From Great Writers. Still, I think this collection of work is a fail-safe Valentine's Day present for anyone except maybe Monica Lewinsky.

What I liked best about it is that it's not an anthology of erotica. Everyone has different taste, but I find erotica pretentious. Sex is the one area of my life where I try to use my brain as little as possible. And poetry about love is one thing, poetry about genitalia is... well, for instance:

He eases his purple banana free

before it shoots its seeding galaxy

Fellatio as an aperitif

stimulates the volcanic impetus

to other pleasures.

Yeah. Whatever.

But while I shy away from being too cerebral about sex, being smart about it is fine. Included in this anthology are tips on oral sex, good experiences, bad experiences, weird ones, boys on girls, girls on boys, boys on boys, girls on girls, girls on ghosts, threesomes, no animals, oral sex pioneers, a bit of history, more oral sex limericks and only very few cases of lame genitalia poetry.

All these are available to you, if you can get past the opening selection by Anaïs Nin. Again, not being an intellectual when it comes to sex, I find Nin a bit much. She overuses the word taut, and while this piece includes a blow-job, there's also the anecdote about a woman being being fucked from behind by a stranger in a mob watching an execution. Then again, if your loved one gets off on that, it's probably better to know this sooner than later.

The other bonus of this book is that it's not one of those self-help guides, a gift that might be construed by some people as some kind of insulting hint. It's more of a conversation piece.

Some selections are physically uncomfortable, like Philip Roth's classic passage from Portnoy's Complaint, about a teenage boy getting a torturous blow-job from an anti-Semitic prostitute (so bad that, ironically, to come he has to imagine that he's jerking himself off).

Others are emotionally uncomfortable, like Normal Mailer's description of a relationship based on absolutely nothing else except going down. This also wins for most compelling opening: "I dispatched the letter before second thoughts could commence. Then I went back to my hotel room and tried to sleep, but the sheets reeked of Sally, formaldehyde and me."

Anka Radakovich gives some pretty good tips on becoming a "cunning linguist." For instance, neurotic about smell? "Spread some tic tacs down there." But don't take everything Anka says as law. For instance, I disagree that a Miami Vice stubbled chin is a turn on. Maybe if the guy's 14. Otherwise, it's right up there with using sandpaper as a sex toy.

Even more informative is "Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man," by Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman. The #1 thing a woman has to know (apart from the fact that gay men never swallow semen) is the importance of state of mind. A grudging blow-job is not a memorable experience for most men, while authentic enthusiasm will get you just about anything you want from them.

Yes, power is a primary issue Down South. There is such a thing as tongue-whipped (the female equivalent to pussy-whipped). Here's a good little scene from Jill Robinson's novel, Perdido, that should serve as some inspiration and a Valentine's Day gift to my readers. (And who knows, this may even be Meek's secret lingual technique.)

"'Now,' he says. 'I'm going to do you. But if you move I'll stop. I want to get you crazy. I'm going to start you and stop you and start you and stop you and when you can't stand it I'll stop you and start again... If you move around I'll stop.' And he kneels between my legs and starts at me with his hand. He knows he knows."

Going Down: Lip Service From Great Writers, Chronicle Books, 176pp, hc, $17.95