This week: Naked Hansons, nasty Olsens, headbutts at Angels.

Plus: Diaper-clad man is mocked on city streets!

"edited" by Al South

sub-edited by Roger Argent

M Hi, this is Robert D from the air guitar contest featured in the Mirror on January 21, 1999. Okay, let's set the record straight. I've never smoked a cigarette in my goddamn life and Miss Elizabeth Bromstein--who works at MusiquePlus--was booed at the event. Seventy-five per cent of the audience booed that skinny bitch! Also, I don't have a WAXY complexion! Set the record straight or I'll kick your fucking ass! [BLEEP!]

M With respect to those four girls on your cover last week: is it possible that they also play in a British punk rock band called Fluffy? Just wondering. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I'm attractive and young and I was wondering if all I have to do to get on the cover of your newspaper is beat up some ageing rocker and his girlfriend? [BLEEP!]

F Maybe the singer from the Box became a street person because he was "walking on a tightrope of insanity." [BLEEP!]

FAXRANT I've got a bone to pick with the pseudo-roughneck CHUMP who was harassing a couple of my friends at Angels last Thursday. First of all, keep your comments to yourself about how other people look on the dancefloor. The young lady who you dissed happens to be one of the most carefree dancers I know, and that's what makes her hardcore. Second, when you step to someone (i.e. b-boy OR b-girl), make sure you can put your moves where your mouth is, you fuckin' cop-out. And then, after the night ended, you proceeded to attack an innocent bystander with a sucker-assed HEADBUTT to the nose, just because he was standing next to the girl who originally shamed your sorry, bitter ass. What's the matter--can't make a FIST? The real heads dwell on the third floor of Angels, so if you wanna step in any ring, circle or square, come get some. PUNK. [BLEEP!]

F Look, I haven't been going out too much lately because I'M 10 WEEKS PREGNANT, but last night my friends invited me to Sphinx and someone stole my bag. Listen, there is nothing you can do with my contact lenses or makeup bag or Medicare card. But I need these things!(starting to cry). I have a doctor's appointment to check my baby's health and I can't pay the appointment fee coz you've got my bank machine card. So keep whatever you need but please bring my stuff back to Sphinx--they have my number. I don't want to know who you are, just bring my stuff back. PLEASE! [BLEEP!]

M For sure, the opposite of a misogynist is a satyr. You can look it up. [BLEEP!]

F The opposite of a misogynist is a lesbian. No? [BLEEP!]

M The opposite of a misogynist is an Oprah! [BLEEP!]

M Isn't the opposite of misogynist called a bitch? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, the opposite of misogynist is gynophile. I'm not making this up. [BLEEP!]

M The correct opposite word for misogynist would be philogynist. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, there is no opposite of the word misogynist. Technically, it should be misanthrope, because anthrope is the opposite of "gynae," gynae being female and anthrope being male/humankind. Because Greek is a SEXIST language--like our society right now--anthrope encompasses all humans as well as males. A misanthrope is a hater of people where a misogynist is the hater of women. So, the only logical opposite can be MAN-HATING. [BLEEP!]

M I just want everyone to know that I'm a 34-year-old married man and I really, really like to watch the Olsen Twins on television when I'm alone and all the lights are out. I mean, I really like them! Uhmm mmm good! Nasty! [BLEEP!]

F Kiddie Porn. What is that, anyways? I'm a 21-year-old woman and I have the hugest crush on HANSON. Sometimes I have some pretty weird sexual fantasies involving all three of them. In my fantasies, I sometimes order them to STRIP NAKED and obey all of my commands and other times I force them to have sex with each other before I finally make them "come to mama." Does this make me a pedophile? I also have some pretty damn good sex with my 27-year-old boyfriend. Should I turn myself in? [BLEEP!]

F One small step for you, one giant step for humanity. Kill a pedophile today. Kill a pedophile today! (screaming) KILL A PEDOPHILE TODAY! [BLEEP!]

M I'm just calling in to rant about this city's fetish scene. I think it's become pretty lame. I like to wear DIAPERS. Sometimes I've tried wearing them outside, but all it does is encourage a lot of hooting and hollering and it pisses me off. I just wish this were a more easy going city. [BLEEP!]

[Ed's note: The answer to last week's question was a resounding, disturbing "YES."]

Next week: Open forum