The wine was divine

>> A dinner date with T.O.'s By Divine Right

by JOHNSON CUMMINS

(The following is an excerpt from Johnson's opus in progress, Are You Going to Finish That? How I Got Rock Stars to Cook for Me by Posing as a Journalist.)

It was a warm and balmy day on Toronto's Queen St. as I showed up for my interview. I readied myself for my first question to find out what really make these guys tick and had barely gotten "What are your influences?" out of my mouth when bassist Brendan Canning reached for my hand and stared me in the eyes like we had known each other for years. He said, "Let me cook for you and then you will know everything about us."

I don't know if I was more stunned by Brendan's bravado or his incredibly fake Parisian accent, but heck, you can call me stunned but just don't call me late for dinner, right?!

Later, I walked up Canning's front walkway, which was littered with broken childrens's toys, dog shit and assorted car parts. He answered the door clad in Peterborough Pete's track pants and a stained undershirt and managed a "Hey, how's it going, eh?" while balancing a cigarette that had long gone out in the other corner of his mouth. Brendan... uh, I thought you were French?

"What? I ain't no frog, jeezus! Anyways, park your caboose 'cause we're about to dig in." I pulled up a piece of broken patio furniture in front of a nicotine-stained Canadian flag used as drapery and started with some wine. Canning and the rest of the band, knowing how cumbersome those boxes can be, have conveniently taken the bag of wine out of the box. As the vino was passed to me, guitarist-singer Jose "Don't call me Whitey" Contreras piped up and cracked, "Hey! Look at that, eh, you look like one them there astronauts!"

They all started laughing until drummer Mark "Jimbo" Goldstein's dentures fell out. With Goldstein's chops firmly back in place, we began stuffing Harvey's napkins and stained lobster bibs into our shirts and enjoyed some of the best white trash cuisine this frozen side of the Mason Dixon Line. Contreras brought on the first course of soda biscuits with whipped cream and a sprinkling of instant coffee over top. Then we went right into the main course of Kraft Dinner with tuna fish, hand-formed by Mr. Canning in the shape of the Stanley Cup. Goldstein brought in the dessert of cubed gelatin served in mixing cups.

As we undid our top buttons and relit our Colt cigarillos, the boys entertained me with some of the best renditions of Wayne and Shuster routines I have ever seen. If you though these guys were just talented musicians then, my friend, you're just getting a small part of the picture.

With the Tragically Hip at the Molson Centre, Friday, February 5