When in doubt, remake by MATTHEW HAYS Sidney Lumet's latest film opens this Friday, January 22. The director behind such gems as Dog Day Afternoon and Network has ventured to remake Gloria, the often underrated film by the late maverick auteur John Cassavetes. The studio hasn't offered any press screenings, but the buzz on the latest remake is that this thing is a real dud. Apparently Sharon Stone spearheaded the project, seeing herself filling the role that originally went to Gena Rowlands (who was nominated for an Oscar for her work). Gloria is an aging gangster's moll who hates kids, but makes an exception when a young Latino boy is marked by the mob. Also chiming in for the paycheques are George C. Scott and Cathy Moriarty. Why Lumet--or anyone, for that matter--would try to remake Cassavetes is beyond me. Okay, so this isn't quite as wacky as the Gus Van Sant Psycho thing, but it's a close second. (All this bile and I haven't even seen the movie! Trust me on this one--I'm developing my psychic skills as a movie critic. In the future, I won't even bother going to see anything, I'll just write something up that I consider entertaining. Stay tuned.) Joking aside, the unnecessary remakes have got to stop. Certainly, there are examples of remakes actually working well; many of Douglas Sirk's films improved on the originals, and William Wyler and Alfred Hitchcock actually remade their own films. But the latest crop of remakes have been thoroughly dreadful and disappointing. Screening Thursday, January 28 to Sunday the 31st at the Cinémathèque are two locally made films which certainly warrant a night out. Oh Mother! is a look at the changing face of motherhood; filmmakers Sandra Dametto and Sara Morley interview three generations of maternal types, from a '50s-style mom who found that motherhood didn't fulfill her life, to a lesbian parent. Following that will be Straight From the Suburbs, a faux doc about a young woman coming of age in a gay suburb who realizes she might just be (gasp!) heterosexual. The role reversal thing is rather obvious, but filmmaker Carole Ducharme does manage to muster up quite a few laughs with this camp-fest. Straight From the Suburbs was a hit at both the Vancouver and Montreal gay and lesbian film fests. Is it just me or is all the press surrounding Saving Private Ryan and The Thin Red Line driving anyone else insane? According to the highly amnesiac press, these films are groundbreaking because they show the true horrors of war. The idea that the theme "war is nasty" is somehow new is ludicrous. The spate of Vietnam films made this all terrifically clear: think The Deerhunter, Apocalypse Now, Platoon, Full Metal Jacket--need I go on? Critics are correct to praise the WWII films, but please, no Philadelphias; that's the new phrase I've just coined for films that make false claims to be precedent-setting, named after that bit of Hollywood Tom-Hanks-starring tripe about a man dying from AIDS, which came well after Longtime Companion and Buddies. COMMENTS: matt_hays@babylon.montreal.qc.ca