This week: Dead Brain Cells, Kool Herc, Maya Angelou, Pig Meat Markham!

Plus: Box singer identified as famous bum!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Hey, Rufus Wainwright. Now that we all know what you did on New Year's Eve, why don't you just shut your big GAP? [BLEEP!]

M Who cares about how you spell the last name of those two McGarrigle sluts? What kind of irresponsible parent names their kid Rufus, anyway? [BLEEP!]

M I just want to say how much I love the club, the Sona. I love the DJs, the flyers, the people. They are the best in Montreal. I love that incredibly wicked modern dancer, Michel, who is there every Friday night. I just love it and that's all I want to say! Yahoo! [BLEEP!]

M What's with all this hip hop fucking crap that's going on, fuck? Montreal used to have the heaviest music scene in the world, fuck. What ever happened to S.C.U.M.? And whatever happened to DBC? The Dead fucking Brain Cells, fuck. That was heavy fucking shit, man. Better than all this fucking crap that they were playing at Fouf last time I was there. I hope you print this and then maybe the guys from S.C.U.M. will grab the guys from DBC and put on a real show instead of all this hip hop crap that all sounds the same anyways, fuck! Wake up, fuck! We're 1999, fuck. Get your shit together and let's get heavy, let's get drunk, let's get fucked, fuck. Instead of crying like a bunch of hip hop babies, fuck. I say hip cock! That's right, you fucking assholes! [BLEEP!]

M Look, Blondie may have invented hip hop but she sure as fuck was not in the Ramones. Where do people get this stuff? You got to learn the facts, man. You got to learn the facts. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Blondie invented hip hop... as if! What about KOOL HERC? Nobody ever mentions Kool Herc. Why? [BLEEP!]

M This is EJ Brulé and people shouldn't forget that Steve Miller was the first white guy to do hip hop with his song "Fly Like an Eagle." That's the hip hop beat. And you know that he never made up a riff in his entire life, so it had to have come from someone before him. In fact, I may have written the first hip hop riff back in '63, when I was eight years old. It was about CASSIUS Clay. You see? It all goes back to Muhammad Ali! [BLEEP!]

M I can trace rap back to the late '50s to a comedian named PIG MEAT MARKHAM who did a rap called "Here Come Da Judge." Pig Meat was the first and Sammy Davis stole the act from him. The point being that rap was never "invented." Like jazz or R&B, it evolved from something that was just an integral part of black culture. Why don't you all just grow up? [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I heard MAYA ANGELOU on television talking about rap and she said that the first rapper was actually a SLAVE who lived over a hundred years ago. Apparently, he did a rap about coming home from church and seeing his girl and it being a really nice thing and everything. There you go. [BLEEP!]

M Who the fuck cares who invented hip hop? In six months, bitches like L'il Kim will be too busy getting pregnant and all those other fat-ass rappers--like Mase--will be too busy SHOOTING each other. Doesn't anybody realize that Black Sabbath is coming to town on February 11? Is it true that Pantera cancelled? If Black Sabbath cancels, I'm going to blow up my head. No, just kidding. [BLEEP!]

M How come none of my black friends--or any of my friends, for that matter--know what KWANZAA is? What? Is there no Kwanzaa in Quebec? Am I the only person in Montreal who knows about Kwanzaa? [BLEEP!]

F Hey, big-breasted woman: guys don't really care about big breasts. They just want to GRAB them, they don't want them to fall in their face. And I'm sorry, but you're not the only one who can't seem to get laid in this city. Believe me, you're not alone! [BLEEP!]

M I have a rant about POOR PEOPLE. They really bug me and, by the way, is it true that the lead singer of that '80s band the Box is one of the famous BUMS on Ste-Catherine street? [BLEEP!]

M Some people just complain too much, man. They should just sit back and smoke the weed and get wiser. Just relax, man. Jeez! [BLEEP!]

F (giggling) We were just reading the Rant Line and we see that this good-looking guy is looking for a cool place to drink and pick up chicks. Well, come on over to my house, baby. I don't know, try and rant back or something. We're pretty cool chicks. We smoke DOOBIES, we drink a little bit but we don't really get into that bar scene either. So if you want to come on over--or whatever--then call back. Or something. I don't know. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, my parents are away in Florida and I have the apartment all to myself and I just wanted to say that having an apartment all to yourself is the greatest thing in the world. I have the LIQUOR CABINET all to myself and it's fucking beautiful, man. It's fucking beautiful. [BLEEP!]

Next week: open forum