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Airheads >> Wizardry and wank at the Montreal International Air Guitar Championship by ADAM GOLLNER Air Guitar is all the virtual reality any hot-blooded dudemeister needs. Truly a gift from above, to Air Guitar is to break free from society's chains. The Air Guitar is a window of opportunity wherein the common man can re-enact, in the privacy of his own home, the lewd 'n' crude onstage gyrations of such pioneers of the six-string as Mick Mars, Yngwie Malmsteem, Izzy Stradlin and C.C. DeVille. There is nary a young hucklebuck amongst us who hasn't fantasized about rockin' that stadium in Jersey with a refined combination of technical knowhow and silver bracelets. The act usually occurs in the bathroom. While watching ourselves in the mirror, that imaginary fretboard gets burned up like a spandex hurricane. We set it on fire! We offer irrefutable proof that the Van Halen brothers are nothing but a couple of Dutch tulips. It's OK, everybody does it. But where were you all on Tuesday, December 22? How come you wasn't hangin' at Café Campus for the finals of the 1998 Montreal International Air Guitar Championship (MIAGC)? Well, mon ami, by missing this unique and breathtaking communication of human expression, you did yourself a great disservice indeed. However, starting this week, Café Campus plans to hold Air Guitar contests on a regular basis, giving all of you a chance to strangle an invisible turkeyneck in front of an audience of your peers. Moustaches are encouraged. But back to the MIAGC gala presentation. While yours truly sampled flaming sambucas, the panel of judges was introduced. It consisted of members of B.A.R.F., Groovy Aardvark and Voivod. Quebec metal royalty. A palpable hush fell over the impressed crowd. You could taste history being made. A more solid lineup one would be hard-pressed to assemble. These cats obviously knew their tablature. To top it off, the Bonhomme de Carnaval, down all the way from Quebec City, was in full regalia. Whipping the crowd into a frenzy, a communal Air Guitar session was suggested, and everybody on the dancefloor strummed along to classic anthems like "Smoke on the Water" and "Crazy Train." After that tomfoolery, it was back to business ,and the criteria for judging the talent were read out. The Mirror proudly presents its official score card. Laurent G.
Appearance: Nice sweater, pants and dress shoes. Good, clean hair cut. Stage Presence: He had the crowd on his side with his likable personality, but you can't build fantastic solos on charisma alone. Facial Expressions: Aggressive, frustrated and furious at all the injustice in the world. Bullet in the motherfucking head. Crowd Control: The girls liked him. The guys thought he was pretty radical. Unfortunately, he was up against some pretty stiff competition. Synchronism: Not enough solo work. He got stuck in a real heavy, repetitious groove, and couldn't escape his own trap. Commercial Potential: Lots of potential. He could be the next guy to have a hit like "Bobby Pin." Robert D.
Appearance: Big, baggy grey T-shirt tucked into traditional tight black denim. Long, frizzy red hair down to his ass. Pale skin and waxy complexion. Stage Presence: Made full use of his primary advantage: the hair. Facial Expressions: When the red sea of hair finally parted, several intense grimaces appeared, the deep concentration on his face mirroring his inner struggle for spiritual unity. Crowd Control: Robert started off with a bang. Too many pre-show cigarettes, however, made him run out of energy by midpoint. Air Guitar is all about pacing. And knowing one's limits. Synchronism: He got in some real powerful finger-taps and hammer-ons, but with emphasis on his looks rather than technique, he faded fast. This is not "hair guitar," Robert. Commercial Potential: Too bad it's not 1987. He could've been a teen idol, like Celtic Frost. Mark J.
Appearance: Cowboy hat, T-shirt, slightly baggy pants. Stage Presence: Lots of energy, perhaps even getting a bit too funky, doing lots of butt-snaps while greasing his invisible lightning rod. A regular guitarzan. Facial Expressions: Pained. Crowd Control: Despite the fact that he tripped, falling flat on to his face as he made his entrance, the crowd loved him. It must have been the hat. Synchronism: He showcased his special move several times: he licked his hand and then rubbed his nipple area. Highly effective. Commercial Potential: If there is any true synonym for Air Guitar, it is "rodeo." While his schtick might cut it in a prairie-type environment, it was a tad too Jon Voight for us city slickers. But who was the winner of the 1998 MIAGC finals? A local journalist and MusiquePlus VJ, her other talents wilt in comparison to her swan-like grace on the Air Guitar. A round of kudos are certainly in order for Elizabeth Bromstein! Huzzah!
Appearance: Mauve crewcut, leather jacket and tight, shiny leather pants. Stage Presence: Very strong and dynamic, yet somehow separated from it all. She certainly knows how to get the audience behind her and keep them rocking 'til the early dawn. Facial Expressions: Somewhat tongue-in-cheek and goofy, while at the same time maintaining a proper level of reverence for the art form itself. Intriguing. Crowd Control: Definitely won the crowd over with her all-around chutzpah. Synchronism: The fact that her performance seemed to be more of a dance routine than actual Air Guitar wanking did not seem to hamper the overall quality of her piece. Commercial Potential: Definitely marketable image. Her star, all the judges agreed, shined brightest. The question, however, remains: will Elizabeth be the one to beat in '99? The next Montreal International Air Guitar Championship happens at Café Campus on Tuesday, January 19, 10pm
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