We take dictation from no one!

>> Heating up the steno pool with Les Secrétaires Percutantes

by AMY BARRATT

"We are not the Spice Girls. We are not Rockbitch. We are Les Secrétaires Percutantes!"

With that battle cry, the six gum-cracking, high-heeled working gals launch into their act: an exuberant blend of theatre and drumming. Even if you've never spent any time toiling in a steno pool, you'll pee yourself laughing at these sharp-tongued, bespectacled babes who gradually mutate into wild women to the throbbing beat of djembe, derbouka and conga.

Les Secrétaires were founded "by accident" four years ago, when the girls--having completed a single drumming workshop--were asked to perform in a variety show as percussionists.

"We didn't feel accomplished enough as musicians to get up onstage and just play," explains Secretary Brigitte Poupart, "but since we are actresses, we decided we could 'theatricalize' it."

That they have done, creating a hilarious act that begins with the nasal percussion of secretarial chit-chat and turns into a celebration of woman power, with tight skirts hitched up around thrust hips, hands caressing the tight skins of drums and severe hairdos breaking free into cascades of hair.

Hot hen party

The idea of the secretarial personae came from the fact that three of the women had recently started their own theatre companies and were feeling bogged down by the administrative side of things. Out of their commiseration came the concept of the kaffee klatsch of teased-up kvetchers which became Les Secrétaires Percutantes. To date, this travelling hen party has performed at the Festival Juste Pour Rire, Nuits d'Afrique and Les Francofolies.

"We've improved musically over time," says Poupart. "We've mastered our instruments a little more and, where we started out doing other people's songs, now we've composed quite a few as a group."

In fine form after a couple of successful December gigs, Les Secrétaires are now taking appointments for 1999. But if you want them for your fundraiser, office party, bar mitzvah, etc., be sure to book early. These ladies--there are seven in total--are organized, but they're also super-busy. Six are actresses much in demand on the local theatre scene; the seventh a dancer with an equally thriving career.

Indeed, getting all seven together is a rare feat. They've made it a rule that a minimum of five secretaries must be available if they are to accept a gig. And, because their shows are few and far between, they need to schedule rehearsal time before every appearance.

"We never give exactly the same show twice," says Poupart. "It's always evolving, and we also try to write new dialogue to fit into the theme of the evening."

Unfortunately, we can't tell you where exactly the Secrétaires as a whole will turn up next, but the members of the group will be very much in evidence on the theatre scene over the coming months. Sylvie Moreau is part of a new Robert Lepage show about artist Frida Kahlo, to be produced in the spring. Dominique Quesnel will be touring Quebec over the next two months with Les huit péchés capitaux, a collection of short pieces by seven Quebec playwrights (including Michel-Marc Bouchard and Michel Tremblay) that had a successful run in Montreal last year. Poupart will appear at Théâtre Denise-Pelletier and the National Arts Centre in Ottawa in a revival of Gratien Gélinas's Tit Coq. Isabelle Villeneuve is innovative theatre artist Pol Pelletier's right-hand woman. As well, several of them will be seen over the course of the year in a series of 12 works commissioned by avant-garde theatre company Momentum as a countdown to the 21st century.

Meanwhile, Les Secrétaires Percutantes are keen to make a video, should the right producer come along. They are not, however, accepting CVs at this time. To all those secretary wannabes who won't leave their publicist alone, they would like to say: "Écoute-là, the door is closed, the position has been filled."

Anyone wishing to book them, on the other hand, should fax inquiries (the secretaries are too busy drying their nails to answer phone calls) to 272-8092. They remind us that Secretaries' Week is just around the corner (April), not to mention International Women's Day--a perfect occasion to hire this feminist tribute to blue eyeshadow and red hot passion.