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How to be a Noisemaker >> (Insert your name here) is the future of the local scene! by JOHNSON CUMMINS
To become an instant Noisemaker, all you have to do is follow my simple instructions and before you know it, you too can place 3 a.m. calls to ex-lovers, screaming, "I may be a chronic masturbator who still lives in my parents' basement, but I'm a Noisemaker damnit!" Just like yours truly. So you're saying, "I'm all ears, Johnson, please tell me how I'm going to become a Noisemaker without having to waste my time with nonsense like talent and hard work." Well, my lazy and talentless brothers and sisters, I bring you salvation. Simply affix your smiling mug on the photo shown here and place your name in these testimonials from the Montreal musical glitterati and voilà--you're a Noisemaker. And the best thing is it didn't cost you one gram of nose candy! Andrew Dickson (Tricky Woo) "The first time I saw (insert name here) I was blown away by the sheer intensity that lay in such conventional musical confines. It was quite obvious by the first song that Montreal is just too small to contain something so big. When the vocals kicked in it was like the whole room was filled with purple electricity. I hadn't felt so moved since my first screening of The Lion King. (Insert name here) has become an influence for my every breath." Alex MacSween (Detention, Bionic) "As a musician I am incredibly humbled by the sheer genius of (insert name here). Not since the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper has there been such a change in the way people hear music. When I heard (insert name here)'s Tales From Pornographical Oceans album, it not only changed the way I listen to music but also changed me as a person and I must thank (insert sex here) for that." John Jordan (Kingpins, Planet Smashers) "When I just mention the name (insert name here) I just get a warm and fuzzy feeling in my stomach. In fact, I've made a mantra with the name (insert name here, repeat until blue in face)..." Paget Williams (Greenland promoter) "(Insert name here) is an attack on sound, or rather an alarm set to a pounding beat. Sound the trumpets, the future of music has arrived and it is (insert name here)." Johnson Cummins (mixed tape DJ) "(Snoooort) (insert name here) is so on the same wavelength as I am (snooort). We should hang out way more often (snort). (Insert name here) should write down (his/her) address on a matchbook cover (snort) because we should really hang out and discuss Internet censorship for hours (snort). I swear I'll call tomorrow (snort)."
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Do you like being on the "right" side of the velvet rope? Hiring Mitsou as your maid? Being whisked into all the "right" clubs? Drinking champagne from stripper/actor girl/boyfriend's slippers? Rubbing shoulders with people like Leslie Roberts on the golf course? Of course you do. But that type of fame takes a lot of work, and who has time for all the vocal lessons, learning scales, etc.?