January

*1998 debuts with the most memorable event of the year: Ice Storm '98--all ice, all the time. Power lines are downed, electricity is lost and Montreal is encased in a coating of ice measuring 100 mm, about the thickness of four hockey pucks. Total damages estimated at $2 billion, roughly the amount grossed by the scoundrels selling candles, flashlights and generators at inflated prices during the storm.

*Canadian Alan Eagleson, who headed NHL Players' Association from 1967 to 1991, is sentenced to 18 months in prison and given a $700,000 fine for mail fraud and swindling funds from the players he once represented.

*The bank merger debate begins. The Royal Bank and Bank of Montreal propose combining their piggy-bank empires to form a $40-billion banking goliath. Seemingly endless bank talk ensues.

*The trees strike back. Only days after Michael Kennedy skied into a tree in Aspen putting a quick end to his life, Sonny Bono (of Sonny and Cher/congressional fame) dies of head injuries after skiing into a tree in South Lake Tahoe. Cher delivers a touching eulogy at his funeral, as out lesbian daughter Chastity and Sonny's widow Mary Bono look on.

*The Spice Girls' movie, Spice World, opens to mediocre reviews but boffo box office. Elton John and Elvis Costello appear in cameos.

*The Pontiff hates commies and Castro hates religion, but Pope John Paul II and Cuba's Fidel decided to get together for an historic meeting of foes. The five-day visit produces a promise from Castro to reinstate Christmas as a national holiday. Maybe he was missing prezzies under the tree.

*Indian Affairs Minister Jane Stewart apologizes on behalf of the Canadian government for the brutal treatment of native children in residential schools.

*The sperm-spotted navy blue cocktail dress comes out of the closet when allegations of an affair between El Presidente Bill Clinton and 21-year-old White House intern Monica Lewinsky begin to circulate.

*Toni Morrison's Paradise launched.

*Copenhagen's The Little Mermaid statue is decapitated. As the story goes, she must sit perched upon her rock for 300 years before she becomes human. No word on whether the decapitation will delay the process.

*Chriss Lee, frontfreak of local gothsters Talamasca, fakes his own suicide. World continues to turn. Lee currently hanging with Elvis and Jim Morrison.

*When "DJ"/flamenco fan/chinless wonder Joey Ramone falls ill, pal Marky Ramone covers for him at the Pot-Pourri de Quality garage-punk CD launch, and basically makes some local kid do all the work.

*Virgin releases Moon Safari by French band Air. Album makes it okay to like fluffy synth-pop again. Votes not in on liking people from France again.

*William B. Davis, The X-Files' Cancer Man, comes to town to play a role in Perpetrators of the Crime and, ironically, warn the youth about the evils of tobacco.