This week: Canadian dope-heads, annoying French accents, white dreads, black ass.

Plus: Important Joe Jackson question posed!

"edited" by Al South

sub-edited by Roger Argent

F I would like to send out a huge apology to the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion for the lame-ass audience of Canadian dope-heads who came out to see them. They totally didn't understand the band or the scene. Frankly, I was embarrassed to be there. I should have brought my PILLOW. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is Dom and I've got a message for that guy--the young immigrant who says that he's been here for 15 years--who's all into hip hop and everything. Listen, when you use terms like "WACK ASS," you give a bad name to all white people who listen to hip hop. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Hip hop was invented for everyone. Now, I don't know who the hell Blondie is but it was Grandmaster Flash who started everything. So shut up, get your facts straight and learn something about music history! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I know that I'm several weeks late with this but I was really wondering: what the fuck is "poppin and lockin"? [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I hate to get all picky on SEMANTICS and everything but the true term is "interculturalism." Multiculturalism implies that we all live in the same city but in different neighbourhoods--segregated style. Interculturalism is how we actually live, which is a good thing and is all of us--black, white, Chinese, green, yellow, aliens--all of us living together. [BLEEP!]

M White people: stop getting DREADS. It just looks dirty and it doesn't suit you. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F I'm a little pissed off. I went to the Voodoo Lounge and there was absolutely no voodoo there. No black magic or anything. Their advertising is misleading and the whole thing is clearly wrong! [BLEEP!]

FAXRANT Nothing is more annoying than having to hear a Québécoise pretending to be someone else, i.e. Carole Laure FAKING the French accent and mannerisms on local TV shows. Knock it off! The only people who take her seriously are her friends at ADISQ by awarding her a prize in the hip hop/techno category. She may live in France, but she was the only de souche person in the category. Rent them Gilles Carle films to hear how she sounded before. [BLEEP!]

F What's up with CFCF-12? It's technically an English channel, right? One of the only English channels left in Montreal. So why do they have so many French people on that station who can just barely speak English? You would figure that on an English channel they would make some sort of effort to get announcers who are capable of speaking English properly. It's not that I care so much that they're French, but they should at least be fluent in the language of their audience. It's really annoying! When I watch the news, I want to be able to understand what the reporter is saying. It's one of the only places where English people can get jobs in the Quebec television industry. Do you think TQS would hire an anglo who could barely speak French to do their newscasts? [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I've been listening and dancing to "I'm the Man" by Joe Jackson since I was 14 years old and there's something that's always bothered me: is that a drum mistake between the final verse and bridge? You know, at the end of the song? I think there's a misplaced beat in there somewhere but I'm not sure. Maybe it's okay. I need a drummer to call in and tell me whether it's brilliant or bogus or something in between. Please somebody respond. This is EATING me up inside. [BLEEP!]

F I'll tell you what's up with all those little children all dressed up as whores for the fashion industry. It's like this: women like me, with a shape and breasts, can't even find clothes anymore. All of the sizes have really shrunk because of the modelling industry. Who is there left to cater to? Little kids with no shape at all. [BLEEP!]

F What's up with these guys who don't want a THREESOME or who don't want to watch two girls together? I thought that all guys were into that. It seems to me that there are hardly any guys in Montreal who want to do this kind of thing anymore. [BLEEP!]

F I'm a black girl and I want some BLACK ASS. I can't find a black ass 'coz all those white, flat bitches take the black ass. I mean, I don't care but I want some, too. Leave me some. Please! Come on! [BLEEP!]

F What is wrong with the MEN in this city? I'm a very attractive, big-breasted woman and I can't seem to get laid. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line, you know what men stands for? Majorly Egotistical Nimrods and you, Al South, are a majorly egotistical nimrod who sucks dick! All guys should suck dick so they can know what it feels like to have sperm spat all over them. All men are bastards! I'm going to invent me a nuclear bomb that blows men up and all women can live in harmony. Wait, there will be some males: my friends, Korn, Deftones, Sepultura and all hip bands. Yeah. [BLEEP!]

[Ed's note to (someone claiming to be in) Rosebuddy: Your FAXRANT about the singer of Fidget at the Bodega show that was sent from an NDG depanneur and seemed to be urgent was 50% illegible. So you may want to get your money back.]

Next week: Open forum.