Mind your manners

>> The Mirror's guide to social protocol

by DOMINIQUE RITTER

Think etiquette is dead? Think social protocol vanished with the '50s?

Think again. As our world becomes increasingly complex, we are facing more and more protocol issues with which to contend--like cellular phones in movie theatres, to name but one example. Although some deem waspy propriety to be ridiculous, etiquette is ever-present in society, and although few people these days are schooled in the stiff and stodgy rules of pea eating, codes of social conduct remain. A visit to any bookstore will reveal a dozen recently written tomes of etiquette advice for the '90s.

After in-depth research and a lengthy discussion with manners experts Rosanne Del Torto and Don Belec of the Sacred Heart School for girls, where lessons in etiquette remain a part of the curriculum, as well as a professional consultation with Dorothea Johnson, founder and director of the Protocol School of Washington, the Mirror puts forth its first abridged guide to manners in order to help oil the wheels of social intercourse.

Eating peas: Do not spear them. Do not shovel them onto your fork. Do not mush them into your mashed potatoes. Eating peas properly involves smushing them onto the underside of your fork with your knife and them conveying them into your mouth.

Elbows on the table: Still verboten. Experts say this long-standing and well-known rule remains intact. Forearm resting gently against the edge of the tablecloth: permissible.

Foliage in teeth/dirt hanging from nose: What to do if someone has spinach between their teeth, or worse? Laugh and point at your own peril--you will be considered rude. The proper protocol involves either: 1) sweetly whispering in their ear, alerting them to the offensive stray item of parsley/corn/black pepper, or 2) saying, "If you had a wandering booger, would you want me to tell you?" thus making light of the situation and putting everyone at ease.

Ordering fast food: Be ready and know what you want. Fast food should be fast. Do not hold up lines with silly requests like having the sesame seeds picked off your bun. And although the pick-up-after-yourself vs your-mess-creates-employment debate is still going strong in intellectual circles, our experts agree that one should be tidy. Avoid squirting ketchup on the table.

PDAs (public displays of affection): What kind of affection is permitted in public venues? "Nothing is permissible. This is a Catholic school," joked Belec. "But really, the rule of thumb is: strangers don't want to be included in others' intimacy." General rules: pecking: okay; hugging: okay; tongue: pushing it; fondling: nuh-uh; coitus: certainly not.

Swearing: Cuss not. Though increasingly common, it is still considered vulgar. "I think it shows a tremendous lack of discipline," said Johnson primly. However, let's be honest (which is only polite, after all): there are a number of situations that call for vulgarity.

"The danger is that it can become an awful habit and it is demeaning. But it is a great outlet and it can be really cathartic," said Belec. General rule: pick your spots carefully.

Squeegeeing: Smile and approach vehicles in an unaggressive manner. Indicate your squeegee intentions using friendly body language and do not impose an unwanted squeegee upon on unwilling motorist.

"I would not want someone cleaning my windshield without my permission," said Johnson. "And it is not right when someone kicks or pounds on your car."

Gas: Although there are those who seem to think that the unabashed expulsion of gas in front of others means some kind of union with nature, our experts concur that social evolution has not included the acceptance of gurgling belches in public. Protocol following the involuntary burp/fart: The offending party should utter a quick "excuse me." "It clears the air, so to speak," explained Del Torto.

Other basic rules of thumb:

* Bathe. Good hygiene is a basic measure of consideration for others with whom you share the public space.

* Detach yourself from your cell phone when: in a restaurant, in a movie theatre, in a bar, in a classroom, attending a religious ceremony/funeral.

* Do not grab at a stranger's bum or any other part of them.

* Avoid standing immediately behind the person withdrawing money from a bank machine.

* Do not exhale smoke into someone's face.

* Cover your mouth when you cough, or you may accidentally project stuff into the air or into the faces of others.

* If you hurt somebody's feelings, apologize. Even if they deserved it.

* Do not inch your car into the crosswalk while pedestrians are making use of it.

* It is impolite--and potentially messy--to speak with your mouth full.

* Cede your bus/metro seat to person with infant, pregnant woman, person with cane and even to person standing over you drooling. Do not pretend to sleep.

Should questions remain regarding social etiquette, do not send letters to the Mirror. Either visit your neighbourhood library to consult their repertoire of etiquette guides, or remain forever condemned to your state of social barbarism.

Was that rude?