This week: The white menace, highway robbery, 3-legged man!

Plus: Roger Ebert seen at Sona!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Are the Hang the DJ promoters trying to kill the rave scene or what? [BLEEP!]

F Okay, I'm sure this isn't going to be the only rant that you get on this subject, but I'm calling to complain about Hang the DJ party. I guess the first thing is that we were all left waiting in the cold outside for over three hours to get into a party that we paid between 30 and 40 dollars to go to! The much-advertised hip hop room with big names like Pharcyde did not even exist. There was no hip hop room whatsoever! Roger Sanchez wasn't there. It was overcrowded. This party was highway robbery. It was absolutely nothing like what it was advertised to be. A huge fuckin' rip-off. A scam! [BLEEP!]

F I know that there's going to be a lot of people calling in to bitch and moan about the lack of organization at the Hang the DJ party. But for those of us who didn't have to stand in line for three hours, it was fucking WORTH it! [BLEEP!]

M Child 44 is better than TOAST. And I like toast--a lot! [BLEEP!]

F I'm calling about the local hip hop scene. I don't know if I'm happy or upset about all the little WHITE kids who are rapping now, wearing baggy jeans and stuff. It no longer seems to be black people doing it but whites. The whites are taking over! The whites, they get into something and then they take over everything! I don't know, man, I don't know. [BLEEP!]

M I got a problem with all of these French rappers. I mean, we don't know what kind of 'hood they come from but most of 'em come from a nice cushy-cushy old home somewhere. They don't know nothing about the real hip hop--like living on the street, being BLACK, our culture. They don't know much about nothing! So I think that they should stick to something that they know--like getting high and doing whatever. Leave the hip hop to the real hip hop connoisseurs, which are the people of colour. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M I'm fucking sick of all you guys from New York telling me that Montreal is behind and that it needs to fucking pick itself up. Why don't you go back to New York--Plattsburgh?--and fuckin' represent that. Man, if you're not with it and you're about taking BRICKS down instead of putting them up, then get the fuck out of my city, man. Get it? Go home! [BLEEP!]

M How come advertisements for concerts never have the ticket price on them? It's really annoying, they never want to just come on out and say the price. I have to get their number and call them up. What are they so afraid of? I mean, if the promoters are embarrassed to be charging $39.99 to see Bran Van 3000, then maybe that should indicate that they are, indeed, charging TOO MUCH money. [BLEEP!]

M Here's a hint for the fat, smelly, sweating, silver T-shirt-wearing sack of shit who wouldn't stop blowing his fucking whistle at Sona on Saturday night. People did not pay 30 dollars at the door to listen to you mutilate Roger Sanchez's set. You must have thought that people would have a better time watching you sweat like Roger Ebert while blowing your silly little whistle unbelievably OUT-OF-SYNC with every single fucking song that Roger S played! A word: if I ever see you ruining another musical event with your uselessness, I will shove your whistle so far up your ass that you will want to make love to your mother and your father at the same time. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I'm calling about that little COOKIE who was talking about the Montreal lesbian scene. If she wants one night of pleasure then tell her to give me a call. No problem, no strings attached. One night of pleasure is what she'll get. [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling about that moron who left a rant last week about guys not showing off their asses just to please her. Yeah, I'd like you to realize that maybe people just don't care about showing off their asses to their best advantage for some LEERING broad out in the street. I don't wear all those baggy pants and crap. I wear what I like and what's comfortable--I'm sorry if that doesn't please you. You just illustrate the moronic double standard that you obviously live by--if I were to say that real women should show off their bodies by wearing SPANDEX and tight clothes all the time, I would be condemned as a sexist pig. So get a brain, nitwit! [BLEEP!]

F This is for that stupid girl complaining about guys who wear baggy pants. I think guys, even little wimpy ones, in big pants are cute. I would even go so far as to say sexy. All guys look ridiculous in tight pants! The last thing I want to see is some idiot who thinks he's BOSS prancing around in tight-assed pants! [BLEEP!]

M Hey you fucking bitch, did you ever think that maybe I'm wearing baggy pants because if I wore tight pants I'd scare the hell out of you with my THIRD LEG? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum