This week: Vaginal Croutons, baggy-assed men, lesbians unchained.

Plus: Breakin' and poppin' and lockin'!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Hey, let's read the Sound Check '98. Let's see... "Groovy Aardvark: jazz and funk." Hmmm... have they ever heard themselves? [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I'm a Brazilian, I've been here for two months and I have a few things to say. First: Aerosmith rules! Second: CHOM is not a good rock radio. And third: where is the rock in the city? Not the alternative bullshit but the real rock. Where? [BLEEP!]

M I just wanted to drop a line about the Montreal hip hop scene: it's a little messed up. I'm from New York where hip hop is better represented. It seems when hip hop was coming up to Canada, some stuff got caught at the border controls and still hasn't come out straight. Because to a lot of Montrealers, b-boyin' is just about breakdancing, when it's really about breakin' and poppin' and lockin'--which are three different things. I hope that one day poppin' and lockin' get across the border so that Montreal can have a complete and real hip hop scene. [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to let you know that I was at the Vaginal Croutons gig last night and they really rocked my world. I should know coz I'm Johnny Jackoff's favourite porn star! [BLEEP!]

M I just went to see the Vaginal Croutons' gig at Foufounes and I just wanted to say that I liked it a lot better 10 years ago--when it was called The Ramones! Sorry, guys. [BLEEP!]

F My name's Andrea and I just wanted to share a very shitty story that makes me very embarrassed to be from this, what I thought to be wonderful, city. Some guys who have just moved here from Victoria--two DJs and a keyboard player--have been getting gigs and things are really happening for them. Last night, three men armed with a machete, a sawed-off shotgun and another gun, tied them up with GAFFER tape to chairs and stole $10,000 worth of their gear: all of their records, mixers, turntables, keyboards--everything. I'm really embarrassed that this is the kind of reception we give to newcomers. If anybody has any information on who these people are, please get back to me through the Rant Line. I'd really like to help these guys out. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to the guys who held me at gunpoint and took all of my musical equipment--my turntables and shit. I'd just like to offer up a battle for the stuff. They can take any piece of equipment that they stole and I'll battle them with it. If they can do better than me, then they can have it. Later. [BLEEP!]

[Ed's note: This just in! A benefit night called Don't Shoot the DJ will be held at 10 p.m. on Wed. Dec. 2 at Tokyo (3709 St-Laurent) to raise money for the musicians who were robbed. The lineup features Arkin Allen, Krista and Mateo.]

F I'm calling about the Montreal lesbian scene. I've noticed that there doesn't seem to be that many girls who are just out there for a good time. I want a woman to give me one night of pleasure and that's all--not some endless relationship. I don't want to have to walk around in public CHAINED to some lesbian. I just want to have sex with another girl. Good, clean, safe, fun sex! Everybody wants a relationship here in Montreal. I don't understand. Toronto's different, B.C.'s different--what's going on here? [BLEEP!]

F I'd like to complain about the young men of Montreal. You have these little wimpy guys walking around in big BAGGY pants, trying to look really cool and tough and trying to intimidate people. I'm sorry, but how can you be intimidating when you're STICK THIN? There are real men walking around in pants that show off their nice butts and that's what I want to see! I don't want to see some baggy ass. I want a nice ass and a guy who doesn't have to wear big baggy pants to cover his skinny legs and his PUNY body. A real man doesn't cover up his body! [BLEEP!]

M This is for that idiot who called in to bitch about CHOM while waiting for his Nintendo game to load. Nintendo doesn't take time to load, you fucking idiot! CD games do. Moron. [BLEEP!]

F I was on the 80 bus this weekend and it was crowded as usual but one person really stuck out: a CLOWN. There is nothing wrong with being a clown but when you're off duty, give it a rest! I'm sure that when a bus driver gets on another bus, he doesn't sit at the front and pretend to steer and open the door. This woman was tying scarves to the pole in front of her and doing some pantomime and there weren't even any children around to entertain. It was all adults! At first some people seemed mildly amused but then I noticed people were deliberately avoiding looking at her. She gave me the CREEPS. I wonder if she mimed putting her fare in the little metal box? I wonder if she got off the bus and tears turned her white face grey? Whatever. [BLEEP!]

M I'm one those people who take the Mirror from the bottom of the pile. If assholes like you wouldn't mess up the top part then I wouldn't have to take the Mirror from the bottom. But, of course, you people are all stupid heads and you mess up the top. I don't know why. Okay, gotta go. [BLEEP!]

F What's happened? Buffy the Vampire Slayer used to have a lot of style and really nice hair and now it's all gone to hell. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.