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Sex and the >> Rating the filmmakers for their fantasy potential by MATTHEW HAYS One of the greatest misperceptions about this job surrounds film festivals. Oh, they look glamourous enough--parties, screenings, celebrities--but in fact they're a helluva lot of work for critics, much of it gruelling. But undeniably one of the great thrills of attending film festivals is meeting the directors behind the movies. Chatting with the people who put together the celluloid we're watching is generally a pretty intriguing pastime. And though it's a secret well kept from the public, all film critics always do one thing when interviewing directors: they fantasize about what it would be like to go to bed with them (no kidding--it's true!). Here's my assessment of the sex appeal of various directors I met in the past few months:
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Vincenzo Natali The man behind the sci-fi oddity Cube is one Italian stud of babe-like proportions. Graced with deep dark brown eyes and a beautiful head of hair, Vincenzo appears to be the romantic type. I picture him pouring ample portions of champagne before a roaring fireplace. Santi!
Stanley Tucci There is something undeniably irresistible about a clown. And what a clown Tucci is, bowling audiences over with his performances in both Big Night and The Impostors. He was actually sporting bleach blond hair at the Toronto International Film Fest, which was a tad bizarre, but hey, eccentrics are sexy too. Tucci also has a soothing, kind voice. He seems like the kind of guy who'd really be supportive of an hysterical mate (though I'm not the least bit like that, I'm simply thinking of other hysterics).
John Maybury Hubba hubba! This is the Brit who wrote and directed the forthcoming biopic on painter Francis Bacon, titled Love Is the Devil. Maybury has striking blue eyes and one of those to-die-for British accents that scream out, "Drop to your knees, lad!"
Don McKellar The director, writer and star of Last Night and co-writer and star of The Red Violin has a certain Woody Allen je ne sais quoi. Okay, so this isn't exactly a selling point, but the Woodman used to be sexy in that intellectual way prior to banging his virtual stepdaughter. McKellar is witty and also plays the clarinet--and it's a truth universally acknowledged that musicians involved with wind instruments make the best lovers of all (you hadn't heard that? Man, are you out of the loop!). For those who are still enamoured of geek chic, McKellar's persona certainly smacks of it.
Todd Solondz The director behind both Welcome to the Dollhouse and Happiness definitely requires an appreciation of geek chic. This dude's got it in spades! Big glasses, goofy expressions and a voice that sounds almost like Jennifer Tilly's Tiffany character in Bride of Chucky. I don't know that there'd be loads of laffs in a relationship with this fellow--his oeuvre thus far appears pretty darn miserable--but he's clearly the sensitive type. I'd bet ten-to-one he brings flowers--and calls the next day, even.
John Waters Waters does look sleazy, but when one considers that he's been honing this look all his life, the art of his grooming takes on a new and sexy dimension. And isn't audacity a libido-inspiring trait? Who, after all, managed to get a studio (and the ratings board) to agree to let him title his latest film Pecker? One of the many truisms I've lived my love life by is: a bit of raunch is good for the soul.
Todd Haynes Not only has this man created some of the coolest films around (Poison, Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story, Velvet Goldmine), but he's also one of the most jaw-droppingly stunning fellows to ever walk the earth. Imagine: dinner, candle light, then retiring to the bedroom in glam bathrobes (preferably with feathers).
Rose Troche I can appreciate a gorgeous woman as much as anyone, but I must state here--to protect my reputation--that I am not intending to go fish anytime soon. But Troche, who directed the breakthrough lesbian film Go Fish in 1994 and recently completed Bedrooms & Hallways, is clearly one foxy dyke dish. Endowed with a cool sense of humour, by the end of our interview the dyke in me was singing a lush k.d. lang ballad for this doll. Plus she promised to introduce me to her gay brother next time I'm in Manhattan.