This week: Dirty ravers, Guttenberg press, stolen bikes, TV criticism.

Plus: Santa takes a beating!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M I'm all for Halloween and everything but I just saw Frankenstein kicking the shit out of Santa Claus on St-Marc and Ste-Catherine. Stay off the drugs if you're going to party on Halloween, children. [BLEEP!]

M I must say that I've really learned a lot about skinheads by reading the Rant Line. For instance, I had no idea about the gay skin scene. Of course, if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Have you ever taken a look at those Chelsea girls? Yeeesh! [BLEEP!]

F For Halloween I went to this rave called "Halloween" and it was so, so bad! You cannot imagine just how bad it was! The place was in the middle of a CINÉ-PARC in Laval, under a great big circus TENT. The floor was made of soil, dirt and rock! Imagine trying to dance in mud! There was sweat dripping off the ceiling. Imagine people's sweat falling on you while you're dancing. Give us a break! [BLEEP!]

M What's up with R&B in this city? You know what I mean? Or lack thereof, you know what I'm saying? Fuck, man, R&B is coming back in a major way. Have you suckers heard of [unintelligible, something like Marcus T Washington and the Lovemakers]? We're taking the city by storm and you cats don't even fuckin' know about it, man. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I am just so sick of CHOM and these aging rock dinosaurs they play like Aerosmith. Hello?! We're on the eve of the new fucking millennium and this is what we're getting? Sixty year old rockers? Come on, wake up and play something local, something cool, something hip! Please! [BLEEP!]

M I just want to make a comment on this ad for the Liquor Box that starts with an Earth, Wind and Fire song and then cuts away into some crappy FRENCH DISCO music with the implication being that they play the new beats and that they are better. Well, Earth, Wind and Fire have no equal and as far as your photo question from a couple of weeks ago goes, I want to see a photo of Earth, Wind and Fire from around, say, 1976. That oughta convert some people. [BLEEP!]

M I have to inform you all on behalf of one the greatest bands on the planet that, yes, Midnight Oil have a new album. Obviously, all the TRENDY papers in this town won't review it because, for some reason or other, they think they're too cool for Midnight Oil. I just want to tell all you people out there who still believe that music with some type of angry message has some way of cutting through all the weeds, Midnight Oil's new album, Redneck Wonderland, shows you that they are not just back in fine form, but that they are one of the finest bands in the history of the planet! [BLEEP!]

M Sunday Morning around 6 a.m. I'm walking home from a party and when I get to the corner of Place d'Armes and Notre-Dame, I notice a couple of guys lifting someone's bike--it was supposed to be locked--over the top of a parking meter. I started yelling at them, pretending that the bike was mine and they start going on about being sorry. Sorry? What do they mean by that? Sorry, but I'm ROBBING you? Anyways, I get closer and look into the back of their truck and the fucking truck is full of bikes! Full! So one of the guys looks me right in the eye and starts telling me that they actually work for the city and that their job is to go around and pick up poorly locked bikes. Now, this does sound like something Bourque might implement but I'm pretty sure that, for the moment at least, there is no such policy at city hall. I was getting ready to kill this little fucker when, recognizing the seriousness of the situation, the guy jumped back into the truck and the two of them sped off somewhere. The PUNCHLINE is that now I'm stuck with this bike that I so righteously defended. I don't want it, I can't use it, but I've still got it. I left a note on the parking meter but nobody has called. So, in the end, it seems like I'm the bike thief and I don't like it one bit. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what's with this fucking '80s revival shit? Look, I lived through the '80s and I don't want to go through it again. If you're going to bring anything back, bring back the better quality DOPE and the same dope prices that were around back then. That would be an '80s revival I would fucking love, man. Outside of that, forget it! [BLEEP!]

F Wow, we just saw Steve Guttenberg on the street, and I don't know if anybody else saw this but it's really weird! He was with two brunette chicks and one of them had a lot of CLEAVAGE with a lot of skin showing. It's pretty cold out so I don't know what's going on with that. Anyways, he just walked into a club on St-Laurent street, we're not sure which one, but we're going to track him down and find him. We'll contact you once we do! [BLEEP!]

M Is it just me or is Home Improvement starting to turn into a crappy show? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum