|
The lying game >> Spot the fibs and win a Kraft Dinner banquet with Bionic! by JOHNSON "NOBODY ELSE WOULD INTERVIEW ME" CUMMINS
Now remember, kids, Johnson's bosses, mean Uncle Rupert and horrible ogre Alastair, say he can be "a real lying sack of shit," especially on deadline days, so keep a keen eye open. Send or fax in your completed copy of the article into the Mirror offices and the person who proves to be the best fib sleuth will win a copy of Bionic's new swing album (oops, I started already, hee hee), as well as a dinner hosted by the lovely gents of Bionic. Note all members or families of Mirror staff may apply, except for Chris Yurkiw. Ready? Here we go.. Hammer time! Bionic's leader and sole songwriter Johnson Cummins grabs the wheel of their finely tuned van, which incidentally drives not unlike a Maserati or Ferrari, and takes it down the road to their next gig. Tonight, Bionic are playing their favourite place in the world. Hey, kids, can you guess where that is? Here's a hint: it's nicknamed "the Hammer." Yup, good old Hamilton! Is it the lovely warm people from the steel mills who make this town so rocking? The scenic beauty? Rockin' bands like the Killjoys or Junkhouse? Who knows and, frankly, who cares, because tonight Bionic pays Hamilton a visit and both parties couldn't be happier. As the boys let it roll down the highway (did you know that Bionic guitarist Ian Blurton's favourite poet is Randy Bachman? It's true!), their argument over whether drummer Alex MacSween is gay or not is interrupted just long enough for Blurton to catch the first few strains of their favourite song from the oldies station. Can you guess which song that is? That's right! It's the new hit by Rufus Wainright! The boys all smile, as they take this as a good sign that tonight in Hamilton is going to be a fabulous show. Everyone sings along with the modern rock classic and wonders if it's too late for them to join Rufus' "popera" movement. Just as it's about to end the Bionic boys all cross their fingers in hopes that the station will play Bootsauce's dreamy ballad "Play With Me," featuring the great bass solo work of Al Baculis. Mmmm, sweet bass solos. Unfortunately, some horrible noise by a band called Kyuss starts playing and the radio is quickly shut off. Hey, kids, did you know that Bionic bass player Jerome Doudet can speak English but can't understand it? Blurton has taught Jerome that "merci beaucoup" is "I have nipples on the bottom of my feet," and "à la prochaine" is "I am pregnant with another man's child." What a crafty trickster that Blurton is! The millionaire game Oh, but where are my manners? Let's check back in with the Bionic boys as they continue on their merry way to Hamilton. Johnson, sensing that his silence might be getting on his bandmates nerves, suggests that they play the millionaire game. This is Bionic's favourite game, as they take out hundred dollar bills and light Cuban cigars with them. Step two in this snazzy game is to tell each other how happy they are being filthy rich, but even though they're rich, how glad they are that they kept their dream jobs. It's true! The boys finally show up for the show and notice that the poster has probably been put up a long time ago, just like the promoter was supposed to. Hey look, kids, it says, "Bionic, featuring ex-members of..." Oh boy! Bionic love it when their old bands' names are written on the poster--especially when the old bands are in bigger letters than Bionic. The boys attack the deli tray as their roadies load the equipment into the club. The promoter says the opening band couldn't show up and tells Bionic the lucky news: they get to play two 90-minute sets tonight. Oh, happy day! It's showtime, and the boys are ready to rock the sold-out crowd, which consists entirely of women. It's sad that no knapsack-wearing indie-rocker guys showed up, but Bionic take the stage anyway. The boys rock through two 90-minute sets of some of the most scorching new school punk this side of Epitaph. Bionic take it that extra mile though by throwing in--are you ready for this--ska! That's right, ska! When will these pioneers of the new sound ever stop? At Le Petit Campus tonight, Thursday, November 5, 8pm, $5, with (ex Nils) Chino and the Loners
|
Okay, kids, it's time to get out your highlighter pens and play the Bionic lying game. Every time you sense that Bionic frontman Johnson is lying about his band, just take out your pen and highlight what you think is the lying section and then continue taking big whiffs off of the tip until it looks like your nose glows in the dark.