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This week: Sophia, Doc, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful and Éric Lapointe! Plus: Black bananas! "edited" by AL SOUTH sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT M This is for all those stupid punk bitches who think that Sophia girl is FAT. Yo, she's just a girl with lots of MEAT on her bones. She's sculptured, you know what I mean, and that's how I like my women. All those SKINNY-ASSED bitches walking along Crescent street are going to get carried off by the wind, man. You all need to put on a little weight and keep it fine like that Sophia bitch. Keep it real. Peace. [BLEEP!] M Hi, this is Eric from the Crazy Rhythm Daddies and I just want to say that we've played several shows that were produced by Doc and Sophia and in my dealings with them they have always been courteous, accommodating and thoroughly professional. I personally have never had any problems with them and I don't know anyone who has. This looks like a SMEAR campaign by jealous competitors. [BLEEP!] M I guess it's time that I spoke. I'm Donovan, the barman/manager at the Bar St-Laurent and it's time for me to rant. Last week's nastiness was just unacceptable--I think it was way too personal and mean-spirited. Let me tell you something: Sophia Woolf has never hit anyone in our bar. Doc, on the other hand, has had to get involved in SKIRMISHES in the bar, as have I in some cases. The Bar St-Laurent, you see, is a real bar with real clientele and not some overpriced trendy SNOB joint. People come here to drink and let loose. It's unfortunate that some people get carried away and cause problems, and that's when the staff has no choice but to get involved. We wish that people were more respectful of others when they DRINK, but that is not always the case. Basically, if you fuck around in our bar, you will be put out the door to the applause of the people you were bothering. Look, we are very tolerant here but we won't accept fighting. And that's been the problem and that's why Doc has had to get involved sometimes--it may look like he's BEATING PEOPLE UP, but that's not the case! No matter what people say and how much they try to cheapen our bar, the only thing cheap about us is our prices. This whole thing just saddens us. By the way, we are a rock 'n' roll bar. Maybe people should grow a SPINE or something. [BLEEP!] M In keeping abreast of the Doc/Sophia crime spree in the Rant Line lately, I've been inspired to work on a new screenplay titled Now You're Jiving, Now You're Dead. The climax of the film finds Doc and Sophia dancing to "Sing, Sing, Sing" as a GAS STATION explodes in the background. At the end of the film I think that maybe Sophia will attempt to redeem herself at the annual Glenn Miller/Assault Rifle convention. Thanks. [BLEEP!] M These SWING fans are the same kind of people who were listening to ska last week, dance music in the early '90s, new wave in the '80s and disco in the mid-'70s. How many of you swingsters can honestly say you've been listening to swing music and been part of the swing scene for more than a year? Swing is just the latest trend to be fed to the most GULLIBLE people on earth. [BLEEP!] F Do you think the video shelves have been cleared of Swing Shift starring Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell? I'll bet they are! I wish I could swing dance... hmmm... maybe I could...?! Oh, I am only a stupid dreamer--Doc and Sophia are living it! I wonder if Sneezy, Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy and Happy swing dance, too? Maybe Grumpy just stands on the sidelines with his arms folded? And Sneezy is probably no fun to dance with unless you're dressed in a suit made of Kleenex. Bashful would be, of course, too shy. Dopey--say no more! He is always fucked up on GOOFBALLS and Ritalin although, from what I hear, that could make for some pretty snazzy swinging--not to mention a little frugging, too! Wait! Who am I forgetting? Right, Carlos! Oh, I hear he just likes to watch. Well, keep swingin', Doc and Sophia! You should have a good two more weeks or so before people turn to the fox trot! [BLEEP!] (Ed's note: This now concludes the Rant Line™ investigation into the swing scene. Thanks to everyone who participated.) M I disagree with that person suggesting Valium and Prozac for Éric Lapointe. It might interfere with all the COCAINE. [BLEEP!] F Hi, this is Rachel and I'm calling to complain about the new VOICE MAIL person for Bell Canada. The woman sounds like a bitch! You pick up your phone messages and you're getting your messages from a bitch! I prefer that PERKY little broad they had before--this new bitch is driving me crazy. [BLEEP!] F Hi, okay, I bought these four BANANAS and I put them down on top of the fridge on this styrofoam plate. Inside of two hours they had turned completely BLACK. So don't put your bananas on anything styrofoam. Alright? [BLEEP!]
Next week: The GLAM SCENE--
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