This week: Swinging controversy turns ugly! Concerned citizens, vigilantes and spies weigh in on the Sophia & Doc issue!!

Plus: What is wrong with Éric Lapointe?!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M This relates to last week's rant about DOC and SOPHIA. First of all, I have proof and eyewitnesses that, yes, Doc has BEATEN UP on at least a couple of people. One--who I personally know of--in front of Bar St-Laurent and another at the Stomp store. Doc, I'm really sorry about your brain ANEURYSM but one of these days somebody is going to pop it. [BLEEP!]

F Excuse me? The FUCK that Doc has never beaten up people outside of Bar St-Laurent! I distinctly remember walking up the street one night and seeing him hit some BALD guy in a suit right outside of the bar. I resent the fact that you printed Miss Wolff's entire rant, taking up the whole Rant Line. This is going too far!! I don't think the Rant Line should be a place for promotion. [BLEEP!]

FAXRANT I'm just a tired old ACADEMIC who doesn't get out much, but from what I hear from my SPIES on the Main, your research into the Sophia/Doc connection was insufficient. A reliable source informs me that this pair are a dangerous and extremely unpleasant twosome, regularly starting fights and causing problems. Did they come and threaten to beat up the Mirror's staff if their endlessly long rant wasn't published? And what did they do to ensure the inclusion of their ugly photographs (an unprecedented event in Rant Line history)? Personally, I think Sophia should enrol in a weight loss program and Doc should piss off back to England (where, as it happens, I myself originate) and leave us CIVILIZED Canadians in peace. [BLEEP!]

M I want to remind you that the Rant Line is not a forum for people to send in giant fucking BOOKS and shit to CLOG up the whole fucking page with crap! What about us small guys who call up and say, "Fuck you" and "I eat shit" and all the important stuff? Come on, get with the REAL NEWS. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is The Kid and I just want to respond to that person who said they go to Bar St-Laurent but they always get beat up. If you're looking for good music, then I think you should go to Club Platinum. There's Motions, there's Planet Funk. There are all kinds of nice clubs that you can go to. But I've been to Bar St-Laurent and it's not really that bad. You've just got to know who to talk to and who to hang around with. This is The Kid saying over and out. [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling in response to a rant from last week. There is no more swing night at Hatter's. Fini, kaput, over! [BLEEP!]

F I cannot believe that you guys would actually let yourselves be MANIPULATED by that bitch Sophia and let her fuck up the Rant Line for a week. Christ, now there really is NOTHING to read in the Mirror. [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling about that stupid SWING scene. Like, who really cares if it's popular or not? In six months it will be out of style and bands like Squirrel Nut Zippers will be back working in the gas stations where they belong. Fuck swing! METAL RULES! [BLEEP!]

F Yes, I would like PHOTOS in the Rant Line page--but not of fat, ugly pigs with fake tits like Sophia Wolff. I can send you some pictures of myself if you'd like. I look way better. [BLEEP!]

M Photos in the Rant Line? Sure. But if you're going to print pictures of Miss Sophia and her tits, they should at least be NAKED and EXPOSED. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I think photos should be a regular feature in your magazine. Please bring your photos and keep on ranting! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I'm calling about photographs in the Rant Line. No, I don't think you should use them every week because there are some weeks when there are GREAT rants to put in and the photos will just take up space. Then there are other weeks when it seems there is nothing to put in so you just put in these stupid rants. So, when you've got it, do it. And when you don't, don't. [BLEEP!] (Ed's note: Excellent idea! Henceforth, this will be the Rant Line policy vis-à-vis photography. As for Doc, we stand by our assertion that he has never beaten anyone up AT Bar St-Laurent.)

M What is this Éric Lapointe kid so angry about? I was listening to this kid's voice and it's like he's shooting SHARDS of glass out of his stomach, up through his windpipe, and out onto the street. Somebody give the kid a Prozac or a Valium. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I'm interested in knowing if anyone in Montreal has ever heard of this group, the Paper Boys? I saw them in B.C. and I want to know if they ever play here. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M (giggling) This is for Kristian of the Kristian Perspective. I think that you are absolutely the cutest boy. I would like to experience you from more than just one perspective. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Is Paul Gott the ugliest man on earth or what? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum