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This week: Guitar-swinging bankers, home-wrecking Teletubbies, the Church of Eramelinda. Plus: Will CREAM curdle?!
"edited" by AL SOUTH (ED'S FAREWELL: This week, we say goodbye to Sula Wet, who had been working as an intern at the Rant Line™ since mid-summer. We thank Sula for her dedicated participation and wish her luck in the future. We especially hope that her debilitating CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME, which is in NO WAY RELATED to the many hours she spent typing in FAXRANTS, gets better real soon.) F Hey Rant Line, answer me this. What am I supposed to do now that Los Mel-Tones have called it quits? Why did they have to break up? I mean, lord love a DUCK, I adored those crazy, guitar-swinging bankers. Everything in the world just smells like farts to me now that they're gone! [BLEEP!] M I'm calling in regards to this CREAM party that is happening soon. Now I know that this is totally just my opinion, but this thing is being labelled as an urban and electronic festival--like that party, the "Arrival." Now the Arrival was outdoors and it was big so it was kind of a festival. This CREAM thing just looks like a big three-day club event. There aren't many electronic acts performing except for the Advent and it just seems like Sona on a larger scale. If you look at the ads in European magazines, you'll see tons of ads for musical festivals and these things have many acts and credible artists--lots of electronic music, diverse shit--and this thing here has Carl Cox and that is totally cool, but the rest of the stuff doesn't seem like much of a festival at all. I mean, the people who are putting this thing on want to give off the impression that it's a festival--and maybe they really do believe this--but it sure doesn't look like one to me. I'm not down with it at all. [BLEEP!] F Must I talk about tits, puke and kicking asses in order to partake in Rant Line? ISART is hosting real funk on Saturdays and people should check it out. So get over your BIG TIT envy or I'll come down there and kick your asses! [BLEEP!] M I just wanted to say that Modern Stories, the big winner of CHOM's l'Esprit contest, were excellent but the winner should have been the Capones. They are the bomb! Our local music scene sucks shit with bands who can't write their own material and all sound the same. The Capones have proved to be truly talented and original. [BLEEP!] F I want to make a comment to the guy last week who said that he wouldn't want his picture on the Boy Power CD 'coz it has pictures of candy all over it. What the hell? Are you anorexic? Are you a friggin' diabetic or something? Holy DOODLE, man. Get a life! [BLEEP!] M Who gives a shit about Jimmy Page or Puff Daddy anyways? They both suck! Everybody knows that Black Sabbath is the reason why there is rock 'n' roll today. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this city has a fucking problem, man. Like, when you have more trouble finding WEED than you have finding COKE, I mean, the city has a problem. This goes out to all you drug dealers out there. Why don't you stand on a corner so people can find weed--and not coke?! Please! [BLEEP!] M You people on the Rant Line, look, your problems ain't nothing. My wife caught me masturbating to TELETUBBIES yesterday and now she thinks I'm crazy and is honestly threatening to leave me. Puff Daddy, homeless dogs and BIG TITS don't mean nothing to a man who don't have his woman anymore. Put yourselves in my shoes for a minute. You people are bitching about nothing. [BLEEP!] F I'm calling to let you guys in on a secret. Michael, the guy with the one dog, two cats and a PIGEON, is not homeless. He lives beneath my friend's apartment. In his "wagon," which is actually a box on top of his bike. If you stop and talk to him, he will tell you that he's got money and has just chosen to live this way. He has plenty to eat and he does not starve himself to feed his dogs. You guys should maybe talk to Michael before making false assumptions. [BLEEP!] M I'd like to thank the bouncers at Foufounes for splitting my head open, breaking my nose and giving me a couple of black eyes. What comes around goes around. Beware of people who walk around in suits and ties. [BLEEP!] F Hi, I just moved to Montreal from western Canada about a year ago and since I've been here all the English people have been telling me about this place called the Big O. I now realize that every Montrealer who has ever seen the Big O is fuckin' stupid. It is not an "O" at all. If you look at it from the friggin' sky, you retards, you will see that it is actually a "Q." Like, open your eyes! You are all fucking dumb in Quebec. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, I've got a rant but I'm so fucking drunk that I can't think about anything right now. Sorry. [BLEEP!] FAX RANT If Eramelinda Boquer is Satan, I will be glad to join her CHURCH. That anti-Eramelinda rant must have come from some jealous flunkie at CFCF. Hell, Don McGowan never had legs like hers. HAIL ERAMELINDA. [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum
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