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Baroque 'n' roll >> The classic "roque" of the Upper Crust by BARON RUPERT VON BOTTENBERG
Clinton comes up because the fifth Crustie, Lord Rockingham, has left the manor for a stint as the president's speechwriter. Lord Bendover begs off the issue, displaying the dignified discretion one should expect from a gentleman of his standing. This same discretion will no doubt serve Lord Rockingham exceptionally well in his current undertaking. Indeed, the Upper Crust are the very image of refinement and good breeding. Musically, they beg the inevitable AC/DC comparisons, delighting the audience with their bellicose brand of roque 'n' roll. (Bendover rolls his Rs most elegantly when pronouncing this designation.) Generously supplementing this formidable foundation is an exquisite attention to detail: ornate candelabras and gilded rococo amp-frames, powdered perruques and pithy banter between tunes. It's been said that rock is essentially working-class, salt-of-the-earth music, a suggestion that Lord Bendover finds profoundly distasteful. "It may have begun like that. But you know, one cannot simply remain aloof and watch it being buggered up by ill-bred fellows. At a certain point one has to step in and do things properly. We've put the affairs of roque 'n' roll in order." Saving rock from the clutches of the peasants is no small burden. Seeing as how England's House of Windsor has dropped the croquet ball in maintaining the significance of royalty, that is, reducing nobility to mere tabloid fodder and collector's plate material. Thus the mantle of aristocracy is picked up by the next in line--celebrities, and rock stars in particular. "That is the premise of our band... that roque 'n' roll is the new royalty. If I were to expound on that, I would say something to the effect that the privileges and prestige conveyed by celebrity these days outweigh those conveyed by heredity. "I would say that we are very fortunate to combine both privilege and prestige in our persons. Because we are, foremost, fully pedigreed aristocracy. And as well, no less so, we are some of the most dynamic and talented roque 'n' rollers you're going to find anywhere, and we are recognized as such. So wherever we go, we are loved and respected by all." But what of the youths of good breeding aping the "blues" of the peasant class, the Mick Jaggers and Jon Spencers? "One can't really fake anything in roque 'n' roll. The essence of roque 'n' roll is sincerity. That's why we ourselves sing about issues that are personal to us. Such as our sympathy for the lower classes, in songs such as 'Let Them Eat Rock' and 'Friend of a Friend of the Working Class,' and the travails of wealth and position, which we also sing about in songs like 'Little Lord Fauntleroy' and 'Boudoir.'" Ah, yes, the boudoir. That's French for changing-room toilet stall, if I'm not mistaken. One has to inquire what type of tart might be found, post-performance, seeking the carnal favours of the Upper Crust. "Oh, God, really, we have all kinds. We have wanton women and we have ladies of better reputation. But one and all, they are brought low by our devastating charm. "Too many people espouse this philosophy of seduction. But I think a woman is a precious thing. Even if one immediately discards her, she should be made to feel worth something with a little going-away present. Just a bauble of some kind, or a bangle perhaps." How considerate! So much for ye classique rock-pig sexism. Despite the attentions of the fairer sex, the life of the Upper Crust is hardly all peaches and cream. How unfortunate it is that they must suffer the indignities which more vulgar entertainers accept as par for the course. "Our standards are a bit different than those of the average roque 'n' roll band," says Bendover. To wit, the shoddy excuse for catering that often greets them upon their arrival. "I think anything less than a seven-course meal is insubstantial. In particular, we're usually disappointed with the quality and vintage of the beverages that we're served. We've written it into our rider that we must receive a case of 1939 Dom Perignon backstage." I doff my hat to the Upper Crust for bearing the burden of restoring music to its rightful position as exclusive property for idle rich. "It's extraordinarily difficult," sighs his Lordship, "but we're not asking for anybody's sympathy. All we want is more money."
With Demolition and Smash Up Derby,
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If the Kennedy administration was Camelot, to which royal house could one compare the Clinton clique? "That would have to be the court of Henry the VIII," says Lord Bendover, "because so many heads are rolling all over the place." As guitarist and singer of roque 'n' rolling noblemen the Upper Crust, his Lordship should know his fellow aristocrats... particularly those of a lascivious and scurrilous bent.