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This week: Clones, cologne, proctology, Puff Daddy, Boy Power, BIG TITS. Plus: Name that homeless dog owner!
"edited" by AL SOUTH M This is about this CHOM l'Esprit thing. Why don't they just put an ad in the paper saying that if you have a SHIT band, then send your tape to us and we'll put you on the radio. What's wrong with this fucking city? [BLEEP!] M Just thought that those guys in the Cartel would like to know--after all that debate about how many band members were allowed in the CHOM l'Esprit contest and how they were disqualified because of it--that one of the finalists is the Golden Mean, and they have seven people in their band. Which is one person more than they are supposed to be allowed. [BLEEP!] M I would like to give shit to the dumb-ass who dissed the Puff song "Come With Me." First: the song is so much better than "Kashmir." Second: what's up with calling Puff a FAT FUCK? Man, this guy is skinny as all hell! Also, you must be one dumb son of a bitch, 'coz the lyrics are totally not about screwing. I wish I saw you on the street so I could kick your PANSY ASS. [BLEEP!] M Obviously, that guy who phoned in the Puff Daddy/Jimmy Page rant last week is not evolved enough musically to understand that this is what's known as a MERGING of two different styles of music. I think Jimmy Page is pretty hip to allow that sad little motherfucker, Puff Daddy, in on it. This guy ranting about it should get his WHITE HEAD out of his ass and get with the times. Hip hop rules! [BLEEP!] M I LOVE Eramelinda Boquer! I love her craziness! I love her wackiness! She is a ray of sunshine even on a rainy day. I want to start a fan club for her. Eramelinda, you are my number one goddess. [BLEEP!] F This rant is for that chick who was bitching about the punks laughing at her on Crescent street. Realize this: you look like a CLONE, you smell like too much Calvin Klein cologne, and you're marrying a doctor so you can live off his paycheque like a princess because you have no marketable or useful skills of your own. [BLEEP!] M Hi, I'm a young BACHELOR and I was walking up Crescent street the other day and I met this young lady who SMELLED and looked pretty good. She was pretty happening, nice BIG TITS, you know, not too bad. Anyways, I spent the evening with her--sitting, drinking, shooting the shit, just having a nice time. And, basically, she dumped me 'coz I wasn't a doctor. What is this shit? I'm not a doctor so this chick won't blow my PUDD? I do, however, have a friend who's a proctologist and he says that he can fix her right up. [BLEEP!] F I was just watching TV and I saw an ad for this new BOY POWER CD. I don't know, I mean if I were a singer I wouldn't want my face on a CD that had pictures of CANDY all over it. [BLEEP!] M This is for that Chris guy who went to that bar on the West Island. Listen, I would much rather be served by a chick with BIG TITS than have some UGLY FUCK make me a complicated drink. Get real! [BLEEP!] M To that kid from the polling station. Are you fuckin' insane? These people come into your house privately, they wake you up and they ask you if you prefer Coke or 7up. Fuck you! We're a bunch of pricks? I'll tell you what: you give me your home phone number and I'll call you every goddamn day and see how you like it! [BLEEP!] M Please don't be offended, but this is to the pollster who thinks that life is an opinion. I don't know what kind of FUNGUS the people who design these polls are trying to culture, but this is one Montrealer who knows who he is and what he wants. Most polls are specifically designed to legitimize and accommodate someone's special interest. Sorry, but I'm not into predetermined objectives. I like to know what truly informed people think. [BLEEP!] F Hi, I don't know if there's an age restriction on this thing--and if there is then I'm definitely too young--but I just wanted to answer that person who was talking about the dogs and the wagon on Parc Avenue at 5 a.m. Well, the dogs and the wagon belong to this really nice homeless guy who is named David. A lot of people think he's crazy--and he probably is--but he's really, really nice. [BLEEP!] F Listen, you STONED-OUT HIPPIE LOSER. Those dogs have an owner and he's a homeless guy named PACO. [BLEEP!] M Those dogs do belong to somebody and his name is Michael. Let me tell you something: I have never seen anybody treat their dogs better than that guy does. I guarantee that he was not far from those dogs when you saw them. He loves those dogs more than anything in the world. He starves himself just so his dogs can eat! [BLEEP!] M Okay, it is one dog and two cats and the guy who owns them lives on the streets and he's really, really cool. You've got to talk to him! He talks in Polish, Spanish, French, English and sometimes even in GIBBERISH. And he sings, too! [BLEEP!] Next week: open forum
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