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This week: Zeppelin disgraced, lusting after Mormons, Planters Punch fiasco.
Plus: Jolly Bean begs forgiveness from CHOM!
"edited" by AL SOUTH M You guys at the Mirror really mislead people by just telling them about the bad aspects of death metal music. You should talk about the VIRTUOSITY of the drumming and how, actually, the lyrics are mostly about social topics. [BLEEP!] M This is Ali from the Jolly Bean band and this is a COUNTER-RANT to someone claiming some bad shit about us and CHOM. It wasn't me who called in that rant dissing CHOM. Jolly Bean has always been down with CHOM! I am listening to CHOM right now!! We're down with them and they're down with us!!! CHOM, I am sorry. [BLEEP!] M So I'm watching TV the other night and what do I see? Some clown rapper--Puff Daddy or Puff Jr. or some such bullshit--rapping over "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin. And Jimmy Page is onstage playing next to him! I don't get it, man. One of the biggest rock stars in the history of mankind, playing one of the most classic tunes ever written, next to some fat fuck who's talking about laying a chick from behind or something. It is a DISGRACE TO ZEPPELIN and a disgrace to music! [BLEEP!] FAXRANT Are there any rocking female drum & bass, hip hop or old school break-beat DJs in this city (besides Mauz and Sophie B.)? My B-Girl crew and I want to throw a party with an all-female DJ line-up... women, where are you? We, of course, have no money to pay you, but hey, some things are worth it--like promoting the influence and involvement of women in our urban culture. N'est-ce pas? Contact ellemental5@bboy.com. [BLEEP!] FAXRANT I am surprised that no one reprimanded the jerky ranter who assumed that a female ranter was out of shape. Lately, the Rant Line has exposed clandestine sexist sentiments of Montreal men. These are the same men who shroud themselves with the thin veil of feminism and the sensitive guy gimmick. Physiognomic traits of Rita McNeil, "the sexy 18-year-old girl who I'm gonna fuck," Crescent girls--all have been objectified. Apparently, men find SWIZZLE STICKS like Fiona Apple attractive. I've definitely lost my faith in mankind. Makes a girl almost want to grab a MORMON. At least their infidelity is official and they look clean. And since the Rant Line has also evolved into a Date Line, is there any man out there who appreciates a woman with a gargantuan appetite? He must also be able to sing "L'International," hold humanity in one eye alone, have a Gypsy soul (Dacian or Iberian) and a penchant for Moskovskaya. Thought not. That's why I'm moving to a society without artifice. I'm every Jane: Plain, Sweet, Baby and Crow. This may be irrelevant, but I was once serenaded with "I Touch Myself." Now, we can move on. [BLEEP!] F This rant is to all those punks who laugh at me when I walk up Crescent Street on a Saturday night. Realize this: I look good, I don't smell and I am going to marry a DOCTOR. [BLEEP!] F This is in reply to the moron who called last week to bitch about how it was stupid that people complained that everyone was tearing up the lawn at the Warped Tour. It is punk elitist animals like you who give my friends and me a bad name. If it is okay to tear up the lawn, then it is okay for those in the mosh pit to kick your ass when you're trying to pogo. The pit is more punk than tearing up a lawn will ever be. [BLEEP!] M Hi, I was at the wrestling last night and there were chicks flashing tits! Everywhere! I had a lot of fun. Yeah! Yeah! Tits! Yeah! Sweaty men and tits! Yeah! [BLEEP!] M This is Chris and there's something that I'm really pissed off about. I went out to the West Island this weekend and I tried to order a Planters Punch and the friggin' bartender didn't know his ass from his elbow. What is wrong with this city when the bartenders don't know how to make a friggin' drink? There should be a law stating that every bartender must go to bartending school. I am a trained bartender who knows what I am doing, but I can't get a job because I'm just average-looking. These beautiful people--who act perfect and smile and have big tits and all that crap--they can get a job, but they don't know how to make anything harder than a rum and coke. This pisses me off! [BLEEP!] M Hi, I'm calling from an unspecified polling company and I just want to ask the citizens of Montreal: what the fuck is wrong with you people!? You are so rude. We are just trying to do our jobs. We call to do some research and you have to be a bunch of pricks? What's the problem? [BLEEP!] M This morning I was walking along Parc Avenue near the Ultramar station, tripping on 'shrooms, and outside of the station there were two dogs curled up in a blanket. They were with a WAGON that has big wagon wheels and is crammed full of things. I would just like to know if somebody actually owns these dogs and wagon, or were these dogs just hauling around their own wagon at 5 a.m.? [BLEEP!] M If you value your sanity, never watch Late Pulse on an acid trip. Eramelinda Boquer is Satan. [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum
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