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Guns 'n' nuns >> Just a few of the reasons to start reading Colin Bateman by JULIET WATERS
There are also a few good reasons to review Colin Bateman's first novel Divorcing Jack, instead of his fourth novel, Empire State. A new paperback edition of Divorcing Jack has just come out, to tie in with the release of a movie based on the book, which will be produced by the same folks responsible for The Crying Game. (Bateman's second novel, Cycle of Violence, is also in the process of being made into a film.) So you might want to read the book before the film spoils the plot. And since the young, hot and prolific Bateman seems to be on a book-a-year schedule, it's not too late to begin catching up with him. I could claim, too, that I chose the book because I'm an ex-Catholic schoolgirl and I couldn't resist a cover shot of a nun with a gun. But I have to confess that my primary motivation for choosing Divorcing Jack was what the nun was holding in her other hand: a Jack Russell terrier. If I start discussing why I'm so crazy about my seven-month-old Jack Russell puppy, I'll never stop. All I'll say is that if there are any other J.R. owners out there tempted to pick up this book, you'll be incredibly disappointed in the minimal role that one very vicious little member of the breed plays in Bateman's story. Still, you probably won't be disappointed with the novel. And it's worth mentioning that the nun with the gun actually does play a significant role. The Jack Russell appears primarily in one of the early chapters, so that newspaper columnist and narrator Dan Starkey can make a (not unfair) comparison between it and his wife Patricia (well, maybe unfair to the dog). Patricia is one mega-hyper bitch, albeit extremely entertaining. Granted, she has her reasons for putting Starkey's mint condition copy of Anarchy in the U.K. under the broiler and for destroying his autographed picture of Sugar Ray Leonard. In the second chapter, she finds Dan in an illicit kiss with Margaret, a 22-year-old stunner. And when she later discovers Dan has slept with Margaret, she shows up at Margaret's door with a bag of potatoes, announcing, "If you're going to sleep with him you might as well cook for him too." Then, after throwing potatoes through every window of the house, she finishes up a calm, one-sided conversation with: "He likes turnips as well. I'll be back tomorrow." But this doesn't quite explain why Margaret ends up brutally slaughtered in her bed. And when Patricia is kidnapped the next day, Starkey gets a strong and accurate feeling that he may be the next victim on the list. At the risk of unravelling a tightly woven thriller, I won't reveal much more of the plot. In fact, what emerges from this scenario is only one-third thriller, mixed with another third dark political satire and final third extended adolescence coming of age story. Never having been much of a Carl Hiaasen fan, I'd say that if Hiaasen wrote as well as everyone said he did, he'd be writing like Colin Bateman. Reviews of Empire State have also compared Bateman to Tom Wolfe, but Wolfe would have to come out with a few more novels to earn that comparison. While some readers might find Starkey to be a bit of a dog, he's such a small dog in a dark Northern Irish world of big dogs that it's hard not to like him by the time you get to the surprisingly sentimental and effective ending. Along the way, Bateman recreates a contemporary Ireland that is an unparalleled mixture of brilliance, violence and ignorance. And he also achieves a morality tale that'll have, to paraphrase Bateman, Keith Moon beating on your heart. Divorcing Jack by Colin Bateman, Harper Collins, pb, 282 pp, $12.95
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There are a lot of good reasons to review a Colin Bateman novel. There seems to be a dearth of writers under the age of 40 who write good black comedy thrillers and Bateman, 36, has already come out with four. All have received rave reviews on the other side of the Atlantic. One called him an Ulster Carl Hiaasen and another claimed that, "if Roddy Doyle was as good as people say, he would probably write novels like this."