This week: Dancing cops on horses, sexy barefoot bald girl, Cartel complaints.

Plus: MUC eggbeaters wanted in LaSalle!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

intern: SULA WET

M I just came back from the BV3 concert and it was really, really cool. Bran Van 3000 rule and I think they are the best group in Canada and maybe even on Earth. But I really, really hate all these body-surfers. I hate having to always worry about getting a foot or an elbow in the head. Outside of that, the concert was STU-FUCKIN'-PENDOUS. [BLEEP!]

M This is Pat, the guitarist of the Cartel. I just wanted to add something to that rant last week about the CHOM l'Esprit compilation. The compilation is limited to bands that have between three and six members. The Cartel is a nine-member band, so we therefore have no chance of entering. It's bullshit and the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life! I can understand if CHOM wants to limit the number of band members because of payments or stage size, but we play on small stages all the time and it's never a problem--so why can't we play on the CHOM l'Esprit compilation? [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I went to Stogies last night to see this band Tribal Groove. Well, I was dancing out on the terrace when I saw something and could not believe my eyes. Down on to the corner of Crescent and de Maisonneuve were two cops on horses. They were dancing to the same music that I was dancing to and we were moving in sync. I was sure that somebody must have put something in my drink, but the gorgeous waitress that works there saw it too. This city is amazing! Tribal Groove rocks! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I've got a rant about those TAM-TAM drummers on the mountain. I live just north of the park and guys, I'm sick and tired of hearing you every fucking night of the fucking week. Take it back to your own neighbourhood! See how your friends and family would feel if they had to listen to you every fucking night! Go back where you came from so I can get some fucking sleep for a change! [BLEEP!]

F Has anybody seen that bald girl who wanders around downtown in her BARE FEET? Like, with gravity, everything falls down to the ground. So, I mean, she could be spreading all kinds of horrible diseases. Like, she has really, really cute tits but if you fucked her, you'd probably have to put condoms on her feet--or something like that. [BLEEP!]

M So there I was, wandering around the neighbourhood in my stocking feet after locking myself out the house with no shoes on, and the only person decent enough to help me out was a local man who lives out of a shopping cart. He fished into his cart and found a pair of shoes for me, wanting nothing in return. A real gentleman and more of a real person than can be found in any of the local bars and hangouts. His name is Gary, too. [BLEEP!]

M I fuckin' swear that if I see one more police helicopter I'm going to get a motherfucking rifle and shoot that thing out of the sky myself. Plateau residents know what I'm talking about. Why do they always fly over at 3:30 a.m.? You cannot convince me that for the past three days in a row there have been crimes in the Plateau that call for the deployment of a helicopter. It's ridiculous and the people have a right to know what the hell is going on. [BLEEP!]

F I live in LaSalle and this is in reference to the MUC police helicopter and all those NEUROTICS in the east end who keep whining about it, calling it an eggbeater and complaining that it's keeping them up at night. In LaSalle we have a big problem with gangs roving the streets at night. I am so happy to look up and see this helicopter flying over my house. Tell these people to take some sleeping pills or something. If they don't like it, let them tell the MUC to send it over to Lasalle where it's appreciated. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is for the guy last week who was talking about riding his bike on the street and never on the sidewalk. Well, I'm a local bike courier and I have a small problem with that. You see, we have to ride on the sidewalk 'coz the cars in this city like hitting us! [BLEEP!]

M This isn't about music, but about the banking system that we're all so pissed off at. I have a suggestion, a solution for all these motherfucking Royal, Nova Scotia, TD bastards that are ripping us off on a daily basis: destroy the bank machines! I am making it my personal business to kick those fucking things in--one by one--so those assholes will have to pay for all the repairs. Eventually, it will get so expensive that these pricks will have to start hiring humans again and we'll all get better service. I don't mind dealing with a machine when it comes to the Rant Line or with Internet sex, but not when it comes to my fucking money. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I'm at La Ronde watching the grand finale of the fireworks competition and I'd be having a much better time if there weren't 50 fucking car alarms going off in the parking lot next door! [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum