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This week: Queer fish, food at the Douglas, skinheads at Bordeaux! Plus: Top five Crescent Street guy lies!! "edited" by AL SOUTH sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT intern: SULA WET M Hi, Rant Line. My name is Jim Smith. I came all the way from Chicago to attend the Montreal Jazz Festival and I just wanted to say that by including Bran Van 3000 you guys definitely had the GREATEST jazz festival in the world. Bran Van are my favourite jazz band of all time! [BLEEP!] F This is for the girl last week who was asking about the opening act at the Deftones concert back in April. I was there and it's true--they really swung. They were swinging like motherfuckers, baby! I think they were called BILL HALEY and the Comets and I heard that they were planning on coming back to Montreal in September to play the International Hotel out in Dorval. Be there or be square! [BLEEP!] F Hello and GIRL POWER. This is the NUMBER ONE SPICE GIRLS fan! I went to the concert the other day and it was completely amazing! And you know what? They don't even need Geri--she was just WEIGHING them down. And you know what else? They are totally talented! Before, I just liked them 'coz they were fun and girl-powerish, but now I realize how much SINGING TALENT they have. I really resent that article in last Saturday's Gazette making them look like a crappy little teenybopper outfit. If the writer can't appreciate the Spice Girls then... I don't know what! I'm 19 years old and the majority of the audience were not children. Girl Power!! [BLEEP!] M You want an opinion on the local music scene? All fuckin' music should be punk rock, man! [BLEEP!] M I know that CHOM has the Esprit competition for local bands and that's all well and great but what local bands really need is AIRPLAY. You can have all the competitions you want but unless you sponsor or play these bands, it doesn't mean shit. [BLEEP!] F This is Cookie, the LADY OF LUST. I read about that punk chick who had that guy Runt put his cock in her ear and I really, really want my dark angel to do the same for me. [BLEEP!] M This is to the chick whose fish don't swim straight. You've got a QUEER FISH, baby! [BLEEP!] M To the person with the fish that keeps swimming on its side. I speak from experience--your fish is going to DIE. I suggest you try to spend a lot of time with him. [BLEEP!] M Did you know that I sent a letter to Premier Bouchard complaining that the food at the DOUGLAS HOSPITAL was really crap and they sent the Sûreté du Quebec to interrogate me? Who said this wasn't a police state? [BLEEP!] F This is in response to the guy who thinks that those Crescent St. girls don't have any problems getting their men excited. Well, I happen to know a few of those girls and although they may look good, I'm pretty sure that they're PRUDES and they suck in bed--figuratively. [BLEEP!] FAXRANT Top Five lies a Crescent guy tells his girlfriend: 5 "Baby, I want to marry you..." Truth: "...but only after I've fucked 295 girls." 4 "No, man. I never slept with my ex. I'm pure." Truth: "I fucked a) the club Extreme's waitress's mother in the club's bathroom, b) Some 40-year-old woman I picked up at Weinstein and Gavino's, c) The chef from Pizza 1 for 1 and his sister." 3 "I got my driver's licence on the first try." Truth: "Only because the instructor knew my uncle who, on the day of the test, threatened to shoot him if he failed me." 2 "Me, I'm self-sufficient... I'm a modern man--I cook, I clean, you name it, I do it!" Truth: "My mother still cuts my toenails." 1 "I plan to go into commerce so that I can be a businessman." Truth: "I plan to go into commerce so that I can learn how to screw people better when I join my uncle in the Mafia." [BLEEP!] M Hi, I like riding my bike around the streets as much as the next guy. I do it all the time. But NEVER do I ride it on the sidewalk. I am sick of these cyclists knocking everybody over 'coz they're too much of a PUSSY to ride on the road. If you want to ride your bike in the city, then have the guts to ride it on the road! [BLEEP!] M I'm calling about Chief, that punk-ass NON-TICKET-PAYING motherfucker who says he was in Bordeaux for the Canada Day weekend. Yo, first of all, there ain't no skinheads in Bordeaux, 'coz you know they would only get fucked up the ass. Chief is probably one of those motherfuckers who never gets out of his cell. Probably stays there all day and waits till the infirmary people call him to come take his PILLS. I was there on that weekend and I was probably in your wing. If you want to talk shit about Bordeaux again, then why don't you try talking about it inside Bordeaux and see if you make it out safely? A veteran of the Gulf War?! I say yo! Your name ain't Chief, man. It's LOSER! [BLEEP!]
Next week: Anyone else have some local music
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