This week: Fishy problems, schizo seeks mate, cooking up a skinhead surprise!

Plus: Punk girl gets an earful of Runt!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

intern: SULA WET

M This is in response to the Faxrant about security guards and bouncers. Yes, we do receive special training for events like parties and, speaking as a security guard myself, I can say that we are always on the lookout for trouble. But if there is no trouble BREWING that requires our immediate attention, then why not look at the beautiful girls' titties--and asses as well? It's a free country and we're allowed to look--as long as we're not needed for security purposes. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, great. I just found out that WASP cancelled out of Metal Madness '98. Just great, I spent $80 for two tickets to see absolutely nothing. I'm getting Iron Maiden with no Dickinson, Dio with no Dio and an AC/DC cover band? Does anybody know where I can find a good lengthy ROPE to hang myself with? [BLEEP!]

F I was wondering if anybody at the Deftones concert on April 26, 1998, knows who the opening band was. They rocked and I want to know who they were. Please call. [BLEEP!]

M This is a wake-up call for all those speed and E-heads in response to all the rants about how crappy the Prodigy party was. Listen, all you guys are always fucked up on something over there. The promoters have you by the balls. You were all salivating like PAVLOV'S DOG to pay $45 to get into this party. Can't you guys take a hint? There's nothing unique anymore about going to raves--or whatever these crappy parties are called now. These things were once okay but they died over two years ago. Plus, the music has gotten redundant. So screw all the promoters and do whatever you have to do with just your close friends. Rely on yourself and your crew. You don't need four or five thousand people in a room to have a good time. [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the guy who said that techno club-goers are making Montreal violent. Listen, people on E are probably the least likely to become VIOLENT--the worst they'll do is stroke your arm and GIGGLE. Speed can make some people aggressive but so does alcohol, which I think is a much bigger problem in terms of after-hours violence. Sure, ravers can be annoying but drunken jocks and wannabe Québécois punks are more likely to administer random beatings. [BLEEP!]

M This message goes out to all the asshole racist SKINHEADS who have been attacking various bars in the city of Montreal. Boy, are you in for one sweet fuckin' surprise! Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to the Verve allegedly selling out. Nobody seems to know the real story here. The Verve used a Rolling Stones song--I forget the name of it--sampling an Andrew LOOG Oldham orchestra version of it without permission. They got sued and the Rolling Stones won. The Rolling Stones manager--at the time the song was written--was Allen Klein and HE sold the song to Nike. The Verve did nothing except use the song without permission. So now you all know why there is a Verve song in Nike ads. [BLEEP!]

F The straight-edge punk dykes are at La Cirque. [BLEEP!]

M This is going out to that girl who said that a REAL MAN can get a boner for a donkey. I'm sick and tired of men being blamed when they can't get a boner and it being a man's fault when his girl is frigid or can't get WET. If this girl knew anything and got off her fat ass--did a few push-ups and sit-ups and got herself in shape--then maybe a few guys could get excited about her. Why doesn't she go down to Crescent Street and take a look at a few of those girls. I bet they've never had any trouble getting their man excited. [BLEEP!]

M I'm down with the chick who dissed Samantha Fox. And to the guy who's a fag who likes her: you're just a fag with no taste--what can I say? [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I'd just like everyone in Montreal to know--and especially the punks--that Runt stuck his cock in my EAR and I fuckin' loved it. It was amazing. It was so cool. Everyone should have Runt stick his cock in their ear. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to that Rita MacNeil/"I Touch Myself" thing that's been going on in the Rant Line lately. She shouldn't be made fun of because of her weight or her looks. Anyone who sings that song--regardless of race, gender, or whatever they look like--should be made fun of. That is one HORRIBLE tune! Nobody should be singing that song and that is it! [BLEEP!]

F I'm calling for people who know something about animals. Preferably a veterinarian. There's a problem with my FISH. He's been swimming crooked. He has a perfectly healthy tail, which rules out his being malnourished and he doesn't have any white spots. So if anybody knows what it means when your fish all of a sudden starts swimming crooked--on its side--please leave a rant. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Why can't I get laid? Granted, I'm 46 and a schizophrenic, but so what? Eveyone is a bit off anyways. I've been known to do some pretty weird things but I still just want to get LAID. I haven't had a girlfriend in fucking years! It's driving me crazy. See ya. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum