This week: Rita MacNeil's leverage, Andrew Peplowski's ties, Samantha Fox's records.

Plus: Heinous pet thieves spotted on Coloniale!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M All right, now that Paul Gott (Ripcordz guitarist/singer and punk fashion maven) is working as a producer at Global TV, could he please try to do something about Andrew Peplowski's fuckin' TIES?! For God's sake, they're traumatizing my family and I can't get any work done. They are so LOUD! Please Paul, get him to turn those damn things OFF! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I'm calling to comment on the Mirror article last week about (ex-Montreal super-roadie Randy Biro). I was really happy to read it and to know where he is 'coz he OWES ME MONEY and this sounds like the perfect time to collect it! I also want to mention that not only did Randy's attitude and general 'Randy-ness' possibly inspire Kurt Cobain and maybe even the whole Seattle grunge scene, but he MUST have spent some time in Colorado as well. I mean, look at Cartman! Actually, isn't there a bit of Biro in all of the South Park kids? And even in Mr. Hankey?! Thanks for letting me know he's alive and well--now I just have to find him myself! [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the jerk who thinks that just because Rita MacNeil isn't very pretty she has no right singing a song like "I Touch Myself." People like you really make me SICK. It's about singing, asshole! It shouldn't have anything to do with what a person looks like! Rita MacNeil is a great singer with more soul than an idiot like you could ever understand. Maybe you should go back to listening to your old Samantha Fox records if it's an erection you seek when listening to music. [BLEEP!]

M I'm really concerned about all this Rita MacNeil BASHING going on. It seems to me that a singer with all her leverage--what--300? 400 pounds?--could really push the air out of her lungs and hit the notes. [BLEEP!]

M Rita MacNeil? Singing the Divinyls "I Touch Myself"? Are you sure she can find it? [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to Mike's rant concerning the lack of surf music heard over the Montreal airwaves. I know exactly what you mean, man. I used to host a show on CRSG radio--which is now defunct. I have no idea what happened, man. All I know is that I'm not on the radio anymore and it really sucks. I used to play a lot of surf music and the fact that you can't hear it on the air anymore is really a downer. People are missing out on great bands like Los Mel-Tones--who I think are absolutely cool--Los Straitjackets, Huevos Rancheros and a bunch of others who people will NEVER know about! I have a MISSION! I must--and will--get back on the radio to get surf music on the air! Mark my words! [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, I was just wondering if anyone can tell me where all the straight-edge punk dykes are? [BLEEP!]

F This is for the guy who was asking about Type-O Negative in last week's rant line. Type-O Negative are supposed to be going into the studio soon. The album was originally scheduled to come out this autumn but it's going to be delayed until the end of the year--so don't expect to see them here anytime before 1999. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, my name is Kaboub and I'd like to point out that most rants--out of the hundred or so that I've read--are neither socially enlightening nor constructive. I just feel like saying to all those macho guys out there that one of the best things that could happen in their lives would be to stop behaving like animals towards women AND other men. Try wearing a KILT. Feel the freedom of not having to wear pants and feel the wind--literally--kissing your balls. Doesn't it seem weird to spend your life being afraid of appearing like a gay dude? Open up. I'm not gay but I advise you to try kissing your guy friends goodbye--on the cheek. Think about it. Just be! [BLEEP!]

F I am sooo embarrassed! My father just caught me downloading naked pictures of David Duchovny from the Internet. I want to die! [BLEEP!]

M I was reading in the Mirror a couple of weeks ago about these fuckers who steal pets and then go selling them to labs for medical research. Well, I live in the Plateau and on Friday I saw two guys trying to round up cats on Coloniale between Rachel and Duluth. My friend and I started yelling at them from up the street and when they saw us they got all nervous and took off really fast. A warning to all Plateau pet owners: LOCK UP YOUR ANIMALS! These people REALLY exist! They were driving a white mini-van. [BLEEP!]

F This goes out to the Good Samaritan who found my wallet last Thursday at Aventure Électronique. I'd like to thank you very much for taking the time to go through all of my cards and trying them to make sure that they worked for me. That was really NICE of you. Leaving them all over the place--in garbage cans and stuff--that was really nice as well. Oh yeah, all of the money that I had in there was ALL of the money that I had. I hope you spent it on something wonderful. Merry Xmas. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum