This week: Trained poodle Spice, nipple fat, the pot-head vote.

Plus: Rita MacNeil inspires sales of Viagra!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F Hi, am I the only person who is pissed off that the Verve sold that song to Nike? I mean, I haven't heard one single person criticize them for it. You all know that that's a bad thing, right? [BLEEP!]

M So I'm flipping through the channels on my TV and what do I come across? Reruns of Rita MacNeil singing her version of the Divinyls' "I Touch Myself!" What the fuck kind of messed-up musical director would give that horrible woman a song like that to sing? This is incredibly irresponsible. Thanks to the CBC, I haven't been able to get an ERECTION in over a week ! [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the stupid bitch who called me an idiot for ranting about how upset I was about Ginger Spice leaving the Spice Girls. First of all, I never said ANYTHING about little girls buying Spice Girls albums, nor did I say anything about your daughter using Ginger Spice as a role model. Did I mention your daughter? If you're such an over-controlling parent, why would you give your daughter the money to even buy a Spice Girls album? Listen, you can't CENSOR the world. Get a life. Nudity isn't a bad thing--nudity is beautiful. [BLEEP!]

M In regards to that puritanical freak who ranted last week. I just want to say that Ginger Spice's posing for Playboy is proof that she is an independent free-thinking CHICK. Unlike the other Spice Girls, who are obviously trained POODLES. I think you ought to keep your little views locked up in your head--as society evolves, people evolve. Get with it, buddy! [BLEEP!]

M I'm just wondering why they booked Iron Maiden with Dio and WASP this summer and called it the "Metal Madness" of '98. Actually, nobody has listened to those three bands since the '80s. And Maiden's last three albums were a pile of horseshit. If they really want to do "Metal Madness," why didn't they invite bands like Slayer: bands who still stand high in the '90s. Instead of these old goats that should have retired decades ago?! [BLEEP!]

fax rant Hey what's up? Granted Slayer kicks ass, but how could this scum-sucking piece of NIPPLE FAT named Johnson Cummins say that Metallica is washed up? Go shove a cattle prod up your ass! Metallica is the best and most widely known metal band around and I for one appreciate their talent. By the way, does anyone know when Type-O Negative is coming to town? [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is Mike and I'm calling to rant about the lack of SURF music heard over the Montreal airwaves. If CHOM had any guts they would dump that boring and predictable old fart Stern and switch over to an all-surf format. ALL SURF ALL THE TIME! Now that would be something! Los Mel-tones rule! [BLEEP!]

fax rant MIRROR you LIED. Iggy Pop's Run Tour isn't scheduled for Montreal yet. REPENT! And I was looking so forward to my summer! [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling in response to that guy last week who was complaining that anti-goth racism was getting on his nerves. First off, when someone is anti-goth they're not a RACIST. Buddy, you're just as boring as our BEATNIK parents. Get a real life and do something with yourself. There's more to life than depression and CRAP! [BLEEP!]

fax rant I don't think America appreciates Dalida like Europe does. She is ALL-SPICE and Pathos (she committed suicide on her third try). See Ici's homage to kitsch. I mean the movie Mina Tannenbaum was an epiphany for me. Hits like "Il avait 18 ans" and "Parole, Parole" reveal the truths of LIFE. And who can forget her '70s "disco" phase: "Tico, Tico" which SICO borrowed for its annoying commercials--"Ciao, Ciao bambina." Dalida--not just for drag chanteuses! [BLEEP!]

F About that girl who ranted a couple of weeks ago about how she couldn't concentrate on her book report 'coz all she could think of was "sucking the BONE" of some Club 281 stripper. Well, I was there last night and I think I know which guy it was that she's been jerking off to. His name is (names stripper) and I know exactly how she feels. He's as dumb as a BOX OF ROCKS but who cares?! I've been at work all day and I've done absolutely nothing 'coz--thanks to him--all I can think about is getting back home to be alone with myself. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, my name is Boris from the political party Bloc Pot and I'm calling in response to Kristian Gravenor's article about repressing the freak vote. I do believe that proportional representation is a good idea for Quebec, but I would like to especially thank him for perpetuating the myth that all pot-smokers are stoned, spaced-out, incapacitated, dysfunctional freaks of society. This is exactly the mentality that continues to fuel the prohibition movement. People who use drugs are not LOSERS! There is no reason why you can't smoke pot and even win a gold medal. We have proof. Next time, if you want some proper information about marijuana, go to the library and read a book. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.