This week: Rotten Prodigy, Irish brogues, homo hangouts.

Plus: Disturbed loner longs for Quiet Riot!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M I want to comment on that Mireille Silcott article on The Prodigy and how HOT they are live. Prodigy sucks and, hopefully, at Jarry Park they won't have too much of a big stage for that 'flanged-out' clown and his pathetic, ripped-off Lydon snarl! It isn't music. These guys are clowns. WANKERS! He used to be a long-haired hippie and now he's got studs in his nose and his mouth. It's boring! Dumb! Over-rated! Fart-off Prodigy! [BLEEP!]

M I don't know what Silcott's motivation is for hyping Prodigy, but it's a JOKE. She talks about Prodigy like they're the sliced bread of the '90s but, let's face it, musically the '90s are loathsome and it's partially because of people like Silcott, who hype pure bogus bands like Prodigy. She tells us about what a great live act they are because at Glastonbury they blew away Oasis. Ha! As if it takes much to blow away those still-born DRONES! Anyone who saw The Prodigy on stage at Glastonbury should realize that the one thing that show indicated was just how NAKED they are without their aesthetic, cockroach-infested videos. The guy is a second-rate Johnny Lydon with a bad haircut. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, what's going on with all these Montreal DJs? You're all getting too HARD. What are you trying to prove? Whatever happened to the funky, groovy, jazzy, melodic HOUSE sounds, baby? You all sound like you just want to POGO up and down like a bunch of stupid punks. Fuck what the people want! Play what you want to play. Get them grooves jazzin' again, baby. [BLEEP!]

M I want to rant about the local music scene. What local music scene? We don't even have a worthy college radio station--let alone a "scene." Everyone here is so hepped up on hip hop that real bands come and go unnoticed. [BLEEP!]

M This message is for that PUNK kid who left a message last week about Rek Shop and said that maybe some of the lyrics were wack. Alright, kid, call back next week and LEAVE YOUR NAME and the whole fuckin' Rek Shop posse will battle you! You can have any beat you want, guy, and you'll fuckin' get slayed to death! Destroyed! Your mama is sooooo fat... Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I think the music scene in Montreal is pretty shit these days and I wish that they'd bring bands like QUIET RIOT and RATT back. They were a lot better! [BLEEP!]

M Where do cool HOMOS like me go to dance and hang out? You see, I'd rather have 22 root canals than dance to Celine Dion remixes. Foufounes is okay but it's hardly the place to find a cool soulmate boyfriend. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is Tim and I can't possibly think of a more gay name for a club than Foufounes Électriques--not that there is anything wrong with that! [BLEEP!]

FAXRANT To the girl looking for Britpop bars with mod boys: why settle for superficial men affectionate to their hair? The closest I got to Britpop in Montreal was listening to CISM on Saturday and Sunday (now defunct) nights while sifting through copies of loaded, sky and Q. And watching Eastenders is hardly a substitute. Now for a more pressing question: where are all the smashing Irish with BROGUES? [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling about racism and anti-Goth sentiments in the Mirror. I am sick and tired of being put down for being a Goth. I HATE these anti-Goth people! Nothing beats going to Alcatraz and listening to Bauhaus and old Joy Division. Those anti-Goth rants hurt me--really hurt me. I cannot put up with this racism against Goth-rock. Darkness will prevail! [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling about a religious experience I just had; something that I'm very proud of and amazed to be a part of. I just heard Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits. That guy is ABSOLUTELY HIP! "Sweet Caroline," "Holly Holy," "Song Sung Blue!" The guy is just amazing. The best Goth rocker ever! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just saw Garbage's new video and I STILL think that Shirley Manson is a hound! She's really ugly and I'm going to keep calling back until this gets printed! [BLEEP!]

F I'm calling to leave a rant for that girl who was so upset last week about Ginger Spice leaving the Spice Girls. I don't think that Ginger Spice is a good example for the LITTLE GIRLS that are buying Spice Girls albums. She posed for Playboy and she probably has to leave the band because of it. Do you want your daughter using Ginger Spice as a role model? I think you're an idiot! [BLEEP!]

M I just want to complain about all these people at the Palace who sneak into these $2.50 movies. I mean the fuckin' movie only costs $2.50! If you have to sneak into a movie like that I suggest that you get a fuckin' job or a life or something! And then they complain when we kick them out! On top of this, we had this old man who walks into the cinema and WHIPS out his dick and starts PISSING on the floor! This is what Frank SINATRA does to our old people! [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum