This week: Battling bouncers, gay Brit-pop boys, cute mod girls!

Plus: MCs to start killing next year!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Why is Bran Van 3000 playing at the Jazz Festival? Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose of the jazz festival? They're not a jazz or blues band and I think that it's just ridiculous! [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to comment on the Genetic Control-Fair Warning show last Friday at Foufounes. Being a HARDCORE show, of course, people are going to stage-dive, right? At first the bouncers were allowing it but then, all of a sudden, they decided to start throwing people out--one by one. I even saw these two bouncers on one guy, choking him and then smashing his head into a metal door. Just for stage-diving! The Foufs bouncers are nothing more than pathetic, power-trippers with a high-school mentality who know nothing about music. So why the hell are they working in an institution that was built around the Montreal music scene? They're worse than COPS. As long as they are working there I will not put a foot back into that place or spend a fucking dime there. Otherwise, it was a great show! It's just really too bad that the bouncers had to ruin the whole night. [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling about the girl who wanted to know where all the cute Brit-pop boys are. Well, here's the dish. They're all at Sky! Sorry girlfriend! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I'm a cute MOD girl and I'm calling in response to that girl who ranted last week. Girl, I know just where you're at! The few cute mod boys in this city are mostly gay. As far as the music scene goes, now that Brit-pop night has been cancelled at Fouf, there aren't too many appealing choices. There's FLIPSIDE on Mondays, Angels on Wednesdays and Unity on weekends--but you'll find only more gay boys there. Which explains why I had no choice but to become a fag-hag. [BLEEP!]

M I'm 21 and I'm calling to answer the girl last week who was complaining that there were no Brit-pop boys or scene in Montreal. I can assure her that I have the same problem. I can't find the Brit-pop scene here and I can't find one damn Brit-pop girl in this town. If she likes bands like Uruseiyatsura, MOJWAI or My Bloody Valentine, then I ask you seriously to get my number from Roger Argent at the Rant Line™. Hope to hear from you soon. [BLEEP!]

F I'm so sick and tired of hearing people bitching about the Brit-pop scene. If it's really so bad why don't these people just MOVE to England? I mean, come on, get a life. In England, I bet you don't see these little clubs with a bunch of kids raving about American pop, so what's the big deal? [BLEEP!]

M I want to rant about SWIRL 4. First of all, there were only two rooms when there should have been three--which REALLY sucked! Second of all, the security was terrible! They didn't know how to manage this thing. Also, it took about an hour to get to either water or the bathroom facilities. And finally, it was $40 at the door when their flyer said it was only $30! [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the male who was ranting about Frank SINATRA. I would just like to say that I, also, have a very big distaste for this man. I work at Ogilvy's and have to listen to Frank Sinatra all day long and would like to suggest that we jetpack him--and his music--into outer space! [BLEEP!]

F I'm calling in response to the rants from those employees of that "big Ste-Catherine Street record store." I'm an employee of another "big Ste-Catherine Street record store" and I'm calling about the rewrap exchange policy that their customers are bitching about. At our store, we do not rewrap because there is no reason to rewrap. We do not have a liberal exchange policy because too many people take advantage of it. We have multiple listening posts if people want to listen to CDs and there is no need for a liberal exchange policy unless the disc is defective. People should know what they're buying and what they want! [BLEEP!]

M This is for the guy last week who was talking about Rek Shop and all that stuff. Maybe the beats are phat but maybe the rhymes are whacked--and maybe that's why nobody showed up. This year me and a couple of friends are gonna make a KILLING in Montreal. Don't worry, the real MCs are coming out soon. [BLEEP!]

M My name is Luc and I want people to know that I'm pretty sick of all this racist shit I see. What is wrong with people in the world today--people dissing each other over the colour of their skin. This is sick! I don't care about nationality or anything thing like that, man. I just got into a fight with a POLISH guy and he was a really nice fuckin' guy. I want people to know that it's what's on the inside of a person that really counts. I'm likely to beat the shit out of a white guy a lot sooner than a black guy 'cause white guys are a lot bigger assholes than black guys. Me, that's just my opinion. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum