Down to a science

>> Ottawa's Polaris! play head games

by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

Test tubes or tube amps, the bottom line is pro-per scientific procedure. Take Ottawa's retro instrumental cases Polaris! for instance. Their recent self-titled CD is a perfect example of how the stodgy old surf sound, reconfigured in the Polaris! laboratory, can come off as fresh, fun and futuristic as ever. Polaris! being the egghead rocket scientists that they are, the Mirror felt compelled to pass along scientific queries from several of our enthusiastic young readers. Guitarist Melvin Intrilligator and drummer Gooey Chambers give us the goods:

Jimmy Brown, age 7, says, "My dad has a lot of neat junk in his garage. How hard would it be for me to build a moon rocket?"

Polaris! reply: "If your father is a sexual deviant, your mother may have hidden something called saltpeter behind the weed killer. This white powder is also known as potassium nitrate. Mix it up with equal parts crushed charcoal briquettes and rotten eggs. Fill toilet paper rolls or tampon applicators (ask your mother) with the mixture and let it dry. These tubes will serve as your rocket engines. Tape them to a good solid metal garbage can (should have a tight lid). You may use hockey stick blades for fins. Only quality duct tape should be used as an adhesive. Find a monkey, a brave monkey, to pilot the craft and you are on your way!"

Mandy Jones, age 9, inquires, "Would it be difficult to crossbreed a rooster with a mongoose?"

Polaris! reply: "You will have to start by getting the mongoose excited, very excited (sexually speaking). Cook up a plate of sprats with a shrimp sauce. You will then have to rub Vicks Vaporub on the genitals of the mongoose. Nature will take care of the rest."

Joe "Dumptruck" Smith, age 37, asks, "Does the light in the fridge go out when I close the door?"

Polaris! reply: "There is an easy way to test this. Go outside and write down the current reading on your hydro meter. Disconnect everything in your house except the fridge. Wait a month. Record the new meter reading. Quickly remove the bulb and repeat the process. Your meter reading will be lower for the second month if the light is in fact on when the door is closed."

Zen master Lo Fat Diet, age 104, wonders, "What colour is a chameleon on a mirror?"

Polaris! reply: "A year ago, we were discussing this on an airplane to Mexico. We located a chameleon and proceeded to test our hypotheses in our hotel room. When the test subject was placed on the mirror, a noticeable high-pitched tone was emitted by the chameleon. Within four seconds the reptile had imploded, leaving a small burn mark on the mirror. This is the first time we have mentioned this incident for we are still trying to get that sound out of our heads. For Christ's sake, don't try this at home!"

with the Crazy Rhythm Daddies and Grits at Cabaret on Saturday, May 2, 9pm, $7