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The unofficial Leo >> A picture of DiCaprio's world by JULIET WATERS
Here are some things you won't learn from A Scrapbook. Male friends claim he's pathologically cheap. Camille Paglia thinks he's popular because he looks like a dyke. Alicia Silverstone once refused to discuss her past relationship with Leo in a way that suggests she was not treated with respect. Leo's birthday (Nov. 11) is the same as Charles Manson's. Why do I know these things? It started with the Alicia profile in Vanity Fair a couple of years ago. For all I know, she and Leo have worked things out and are now pals (though notice how he stopped dating the kind of girl who gets interviewed). But something about the painful way she dealt with the matter cut to the core of every unresolved high-school heartbreak story I'd ever heard. Suddenly a little scrapbook opened up in my brain, which I've subconsciously titled Leo DiCreeprio. I writhed through the first two-thirds of Titanic as Leo's TV-level performance turned one of the most metaphoric tragedies of this century into a $200-million ABC After School Special. I ate my compulsion to rise up and scream to every teenage girl in the audience: "Can't you see that the only commitment this guy will ever keep is death?" Yet, an hour later, there I was leaking iceberg-sized tears as Leo's pale little face sunk into the Northern Atlantic. Still, for months I continued to resist the probability that when Leo grows up he's going to be an icon. "Trick!" I spat every time his name was mentioned. But the scrapbook changes everything. In the children's section of Chapters, there has never been a ridiculously priced Keanu Reeves, Brad Pitt or Macaulay Culkin scrapbook. Now that I suspect Leo's gonna be around for a while, it's time to make my peace with him. I can't think of a comparable male icon for Leo. He's no Brando (not tough enough), Montgomery Clift (not gay enough), Paul Newman (not nice enough) or James Dean (unless something bad happens, and according to the scrapbook, Leo was offered the role of James Dean but turned it down in favour of Arthur Rimbaud). Weirdly, the figure that keeps popping into my mind is Elizabeth Taylor. There's something very Liz about Leo. Both coasted effortlessly from child- to adult-acting careers. Liz no doubt sold a few overpriced scrapbooks in her day. Both have acting talent but don't always feel compelled to use it. Both have a passion for the good life. And both have that look in their eyes that says, "Careful, I'm fucked up." Fucked up like a fox. The tabloid will be Leo's lifetime lair. He'll break a few hearts, hang out with Winona, destroy a fabulous marriage or two (he's a bit young for Uma, but who knows). Eventually he'll start getting puffy, do some stints in rehab, and perhaps resurrect a mid-life acting career with a seductive historical role like Henry VIII. But one interesting possibility is that he'll become that rare thing: a male icon for dykes. Maybe he'll usher in a new era in camp: The Drag Prince. Girls could start dressing up in roles made famous by Leo: Romeo, Rimbaud, Jack Dawson and Louis XVI. (Though for variety they could also dress up as Prince William or figure skater Ilya Kulik.) Leo could resist, then embrace this phenomenon. At first, tabloid headlines could read "Leo mauled by lesbos," then gradually, "Leo asks 'Why can't Jodie adopt me?'" or "Leo and Ellen's artificial love child." Later in life, he could boost his sagging career by promoting philanthropic lesbian causes like greater world awareness of dental dams, or donate his sperm to celebrity auctions. There are so many ways Leo could conquer the world. And how can you not expect great things from a kid whose mother believes learning to speak when "quite young" and managing to maintain this skill throughout life are noteworthy accomplishments? Leonardo: A Scrapbook in Words and Pictures by Grace Catalano, Bantam Doubleday, pb, 32 pp, $10.95
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Here are some things you'll learn from Leonardo: A Scrapbook in Words and Pictures. According to his mother: "Leo started speaking when he was quite young and once he began, he just kept on going." According to photographers: "He looks great in any light and from any angle. You can put him under fluorescent lighting and he still looks like a million dollars." And according to a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio with his family, odds are that at a certain age he's going to start getting a little beefy.