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This week: Stones roll over local motorist, a Goth girl repents, Joe Pass called obsolete! Plus: Ben, the breakdancing bouncer!! "edited" by AL SOUTH sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT M Here's the deal. I'm driving home, going down de la Montagne and I get stopped by some random guy in the middle of the street. There's a whole bunch of trucks around. After I'm stopped for about 30 seconds, one of the trucks backs into my car. Now it turns out that these trucks are from the ROLLING STONES entourage. These guys proceed to give us the run-around for an hour and a half while we try to get a damage report filled out. The supervisor was trying to tell me how things go down in the States, saying, "I'm going to get you in touch with these guys and those guys," but they still wouldn't fill out the damage report. Basically, what it comes down to is these guys and their organization SUCK. So for everybody who went to see the Rolling Stones, I just want you to know that they are a bunch of stuck-up bastards who have nothing better to do than annoy random Canadian citizens who are just trying to get home! [BLEEP!] M I'm calling to talk about an endangered species which has suddenly reappeared on the Canadian wildlife front. I'm talking about the university JAZZ GUITAR STUDENT. These sad, sad creatures! The mother and the father keep them in the nest as long as they can, save a lot of eggs and send them off to fuckin' school so they can pluck these OBSOLETE Joe Pass crap licks. I'm sick of this shit. We should round them up, put them all in a blender and juice them. Let the rockers drink 'em. See ya later. [BLEEP!] M I just wanted to say that I would watch figure skating more often if there are female telecasters saying: "It hurts my ears." I didn't know that Fender Telecasters came in male and female editions and I sure as hell didn't know that they could talk. Figure skating is where it's at, man. [BLEEP!] F This is for the guy who attacked me at Place des Arts. Next time I see you I'm going to SLIT your throat. Love, the riot grrrl. [BLEEP!] F (very distressed) Hi, this is an apology to everyone who was walking along Sherbrooke between Décarie and Westmount Park around 6 o'clock last Sunday. I'm the GOTH GIRL who was walking along and wanted to kill all of you. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to bitch at everybody, but I wanted to tear all your faces off. Please print this 'coz I really want everybody to know that I'm sorry about that. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, I just read that rant about the old school breakdance competition. Well, I'll let you guys in on a little scoop as to who is the granddaddy and all-time KING of breakdancing. It is none other than someone named BEN, who I think is the chief bouncer at Foufounes. He was kicking it up in 1983 and making lots of good gigs. So take that and shove it up your pipe. [BLEEP!] FAXRANT This is DJ Mo. I been representing hip-hop since them days. But now some heartless m-fuckers swiped all my gear, vinyl, CDs, mixing board, the whole works, and sold it for CHUMP CHANGE to this CD recycling store a few blocks away from the 34th district station around where I kick the underground scene. I talked to the 34th district station 'bout getting me my stuff back, I gatts receipts and other proof the shit is mine. But the MUC cops tell me, "We can't do nothin for yu man--go buy your shit back where you found it." Ain't that a bitch! No justice, no peace. To those that captured my stash, I'm gonna get u suckers. P.S. If you would like to help please feel free to call, Sound Factory (514) 274-6938. [BLEEP!] F I was reading in the Mirror about this anti-Nike thing and I found it interesting that this article was titled "Sneaker Pimps." It just so happens that the group Sneaker Pimps is sponsored by Nike. They get free Nikes and always wear them onstage and the bassist has a Nike swoosh TATTOO. [BLEEP!] M (w/German accent) I listened to GUNTHER's rant and he's right. You know, it's not right to blame things on the German people. I am from Copenhagen and the Oktoberfest is over, so I am now in Montreal looking for record deals. I think it's disgusting that this person doesn't like German musicians. After all, we invented rock 'n' roll. [BLEEP!] M I've been reading the Rant Line and there's a couple of things that I'm confused about. This tar cocaine powder stuff. Isn't that a contradiction? Is it a tar or a powder? Where do I buy it if I'm looking for this stuff? And also, tell that German fellow from the oom-pah punk band that he can suck my WIENERSCHNITZEL. Thank you. [BLEEP!] M I would just like to reaffirm my vow of CELIBACY to Montreal, seeing as how we STILL have the most beautiful, gorgeous, absolutely stunning women in the world. Walk down to the corner of Crescent and Ste-Catherine and stand there and ye shall be delivered, baby. [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum.
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