I'll be your tornado if you'll be my trailer park

by JOHNSON CUMMINS

"I think it's pretty obvious that rock 'n' roll has come back into style," says guitarist Ruyter Suys of Nashville Pussy. "People are getting sick of going to shows and being bored out of their skulls. When I go to a show, I want to fall in love with the guitarist and take him home and get fucked--I think that's what rock 'n' roll is supposed to be about."

Ruyter knows whereof she speaks. If she hadn't shacked up with a certain guitarist in Nine Pound Hammer for a night way back when, we might have been still weeping along with Lou Barlow's sensitive warblings instead of headbanging along to rockers like "Go Motherfucker Go." When lead vocalist Blaine Cartwright's old band Nine Pound Hammer passed through Saskatoon, Ruyter jumped in the van for a one-night stand that would last until death do them part.

"When I first saw Blaine, we were both wearing Motörhead shirts and after some fooling around I jumped in the van with him and we were off to Winnipeg. Once we got there, we dropped acid and got locked in our hotel room and just fell in love. When I got back home to Saskatoon we both racked up huge phone bills, so I just picked up and moved to Nashville and was married three months later. Now we have a child named Nashville Pussy and it needs constant attention."

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Despite no videos and very little airplay, Nashville Pussy's debut record Let Them Eat Pussy has nonetheless turned the whole music industry on its ear. Filling up concert halls and clubs faster than the time it takes a tornado to wipe out a trailer park, Nashville Pussy are out to claim what's left of rock 'n' roll. With shows that boast fire breathing, fast-paced rock and two of the hottest axe-wielding babes to hit the stage since Joan Jett and Lita Ford, it's no wonder they've gotten everybody all hot and bothered.

The magic ingredient is sex, and this band has sleaze to spare. Ruyter believes that a Nashville Pussy show is the perfect place to work on finding a partner to "bump uglies" with after the show. In fact, sometimes people can't even wait through the 40-minute set to start the shagging--even the mighty Barry White can't boast that.

"There's always a lot of sexual energy at our shows," says Ruyter. "In Madison, Wis. we stripped a girl naked onstage and she loved it, but the weirdest was probably in Austin, Texas. We were playing on this four-foot stage and the place was packed. This girl was flopped on my monitor and I thought she had passed out, and just as I was getting ready to boot her in the head I noticed she was getting fucked from behind. That made me pretty happy."

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Mrs. Suys has a hard time cleaving the sex from the rock 'n' roll throughout our little chat, as she constantly mentions them within the same breath. Ruyter and 6'3" bass player Corey Parks have every male Sebadoh fan "pulling the goalie" to their risqué picture on their album cover, and the band couldn't be happier.

Nashville Pussy don't merely tease, but flaunt their sexuality proudly. Miss Parks' Harley Davidson-styled tattoo is located just south of her beltline and bears the inscription "Eat Me." The front cover of Let Them Eat Pussy shows the pantyless Corey and Ruyter signalling field goals with their legs as they shove two men's faces into their crotches, hands firmly placed on the back of their skulls. Hmm... suddenly the Spice Girls' "girl power" routines don't seem to hold as much water anymore.

"My husband Blaine came up with the cover concept," says Ruyter. "It was shot by this amazing woman who is a dominatrix in New York. The two guys on the cover going down on me and Corey were these guys from the photographers' gym." When she mentions that the photo session took about eight hours, I ask how much these "models" were paid for this excruciating work. "Are you fucking kidding? They paid us!"

Hustler has already contacted Ruyter and Corey about doing a photo spread as well as a shoot for another Larry Flynt publication, Chic. But apparently the negotiations are still going on. "We just did this cool thing for this video called Backstage Sluts. They ask different rock bands about a sex story from the road and then they get porno actors to act it out. It turned out really cool."

Larry Flynt is not the only celebrity to take a liking to Nashville Pussy. Fans who have been seen at their shows include Janeanne Garafolo, members of the Dictators and White Zombie, and they've received due praise from the bad boy of radio, Howard Stern.

But the most unlikely of fans (and probably the most outspoken) would have to be actor Stephen Baldwin. "He came to see us in Tucson and he asked us where we were staying when we were in L.A. After we mentioned that we had no plans, he offered to put us up in his hotel for five days," explains Ruyter. "It was incredible. We had a fully stocked fridge and a hot tub on the roof. We met these cocaine-addled blond bimbos who let us take lewd pictures of them in the hot tub. It was so crazy we were just waiting for someone to show up and say, 'Okay, the jig is up.'"

The relationship between the band and Baldwin did wane momentarily, though, when he brought to the attention of some Hell's Angels that Nashville Pussy had used a picture of the ex- president of the famed motorcycle club on a seven-inch single without permission. "That was kind of fucked. He squealed on us, but thankfully the Angels are friends and fans of ours so it worked out okay. We've patched things up with Stephen, too, so it all worked out well."

Ruyter was anything but starstruck meeting Mr. Baldwin, as she keeps referring to him as "this nice guy" and can't manage to name one of his movies to save her life. But once her meeting with Ted Nugent comes up, she starts talking a blue streak. After all, the band got their name from Nugent's intro to "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang," off the Nuge's classic Double Live Gonzo disc. "That has easily been my high point of being in this band," explains Ruyter. "It was so insane, 'cause the guy is a fucking nut. I was going to ask him what the hell he was thinking when he did Damn Yankees with Tommy Shaw, but I was so in awe of being around him I could barely speak."

Ruyter should thank God she decided to sit on that bomb, considering ol' Ted stockpiles more weaponry than your average Branch Davidian. Hell's Angels on your ass is one thing, but you just don't mess with the Weekend Warrior.

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Despite being away from Canada for five years, Ruyter still misses the great white north but brother, it sure as hell ain't the winters she misses the most. "Being raised in Vancouver, I really don't miss the junkies, rain, the political correctness and the general uptightness. But I will say one thing about Canada--nobody licks pussy like Canadians. I don't know what it is. I'm of course happily married now, but I swear to God--Canadian guys should get the Olympic gold at eating pussy."

As Canadian flags start flapping majestically in my head, I take my hand away from my... uh, heart and ask exactly how Montreal should prepare for Nashville Pussy's rock 'n' roll extravaganza. Ruyter insists that before entering a Nashville Pussy show, there are strict rules to adhere to.

"Our audience likes to get really loaded: that's the uniform that binds them together. We draw so many different types of people--from metalheads to rockabillys to bikers to full-blown bull dykes--and everybody is there to get fucking loaded and get laid. So if you show up, be prepared to drink your weight in booze. Pot is also good, too. All the girls should dress really hot and all the guys should dress down and hopefully you'll walk out of there on your way to getting fucked."

After all, isn't that what rock 'n' roll is really all about?

Nashville Pussy blow through Cabaret with Gaunt and Demolition on Friday, May 1, 8:30pm, $10+taxes