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This week: Teutonic invasion, mimes talking, CKUT begging. Plus: Goldylocks' righteous revenge! "edited" by AL SOUTH sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT M Yeah, yeah, this is for that punk-ass bitch Johnny-boy Marcoucci who called last week, wasting our precious air by saying whack shit about my boy Goldylocks. First off, punk bitch, Goldylocks pulled off a party--the first Canadian breakdance competition. The FIRST! As in all shit ain't gonna go smooth. Second of all, as for that boycott shit outside--the boycotters eventually came in to the party, so they're whacked. Goldie and his friends--my friends--put their hearts, souls and money into a fat-ass ambitious move for Montreal hip hop. It's small, punk, bad vibe, bitch-ass nobodies such as yourself who want to bring it all down. The event, with all its blemishes, was POSITIVE. This is Lateef representing positivity for Montreal hip hop. Peace. [BLEEP!] M [thick Jamaican accent] This is Mr. Tony here. Hey Johnny Marcoucci, I read your rant. You're a punk, man--you're a punk. How come you don't go see Goldy face to face, man? You're a BLOOD CLOT, punk. You know that you shouldn't be ranting about other people like that, man, without talking about yourself first. That's no good, man--you're ruining people's reputation, Johnno. Take a look at yourself first and then JUDGE. Nobody has to judge in this country, man. Nobody, not even God, man. If you want to judge somebody, you have to judge yourself, in the name of Jah. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, hi, this is Goldylocks Entertainment and that's spelled G-O-L-D-Y-L-O-C-K-S! Not the way that Mr. Johnny Markiocootchy--or whatever the fuck his name is--spelled it. I just got two things to say: I represent Goldylocks Entertainment, I am alone, I am a single member in Goldylocks Entertainment. I shot the Rock On '98 party alone. So Mr. Johnny, could you do better? Who else represents the hip hop scene in Montreal like I do? And I don't smoke CRACK and I'm never cutting my hair! If you have something to say, say it to my face at 939-1997. I'll be waiting for your call. [BLEEP!] M I'm just calling to complain about the influx of German musicians into Montreal. I had a record contract lined up with A&M records and I lost it to some GERMAN KID! Do you believe that shit? [BLEEP!] M I just walked by the mime school on St-Denis and the door was open and I heard them TALKING. It seems to me there's something really wrong with that! Someone should do something about it. There must be some kind of regulation--at least there oughta be! [BLEEP!] M If I see one more product with the label X-treme on it, I'm gonna take an X-treme leap off an extremely high building, land on the ground, make an X-treme mess, and then an X-treme cleaning crew is gonna have to clean my guts up. That's all I have to say. [BLEEP!] F Hi, I was at Angel's last night and they have an IGUANA in the wall between the upstairs and downstairs and it's AWFUL! It looked like it was dead! They gotta get rid of the iguana!! It's not supposed to be there--it can't possibly be happy. Something MUST be done. [BLEEP!] M Hi, this is Rico Bunyari, manager of Bionic, calling to lament the departure of the band's bass player, Sammy "Gunner" Goldberg. If there is anyone out there who would like to try to fill his shoes, they should call 843-6535 or 281-7589. The band is open to anyone, young or old, male or female, gay or straight, as long as they aren't showing any belt buckle. Thank you. [BLEEP!] M I'm an obsessive-compulsive Montreal theologian, wondering what's up with this transition of the cops from Dunkin' Donuts to Nickels? They used to hang at D and D, right? Coffee, sugar, you know, get all pumped up and going out and shooting ethnic minorities and shit. Now they're hanging at Nickels, I thought cannibalism was, like , you know, not cool. Pigs, BACON--get it? [BLEEP!] F Yeah, hey everybody, I would just like to say that I work for CKUT. Right now, as you probably already know, we're doing our annual funding drive and I'd just like to say to all the people out there who've been calling, especially the ones who aren't pledging, don't waste our time! We're not here to give away free CDs to people who want to make $2 donations and we're not here to listen to you JERK OFF over the phone or to listen to you describe how you're dancing in your basement NAKED to the music that we're playing! We have separate lines set up for that! [BLEEP!] M I've just got one thing to say to anybody who's even considering using TAR COCAINE POWDER: I've been to tar cocaine powder hell and back. I'm alive, but I've changed. I've also been to crystal meth hell and smack hell--it's not a pretty place, I don't recommend it. Just stay off the tar cocaine powder, if you know what's good for you. [BLEEP!] F At the risk of being accused of not having a sense of humour, have you forgotten that there are a lot of local band members out there who do not have the pleasure/pain of owning a penis? Just a thought... [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum
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