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This week: Bionic, DJ Ray Ray, CKUT, Johnny Marcoucci, carck! Plus: Penis sizes investigated!! M Hi, I just got the new Bionic album and I want to say that it's the ROCKINGEST album I've heard in a long time and I can barely stop playing it. It's like a pure... INDULGENCE. The song "Annalee" is incredible, beautiful and triumphant and has restored my faith in heavy rock 'n' roll. The album has lifted my spirits above the present circumstances and has made me believe that rock 'n' roll can still be passionate and empowering. I want to sincerely thank Johnson Cummins and the boys--the album even got me playing again!! [BLEEP!] [Ed's note: Cummins, stop calling the Rant Line and get your goddamn record reviews in on time!] FAXRANT [on CKUT stationery] Hey CKUT radio listeners: 1. Freezone has moved to Tuesdays at 3 p.m. and Lunadic Wax is on extended hiatus. 2. If you're wondering about program changes, call 398-6787 and ask US. 3. If you think the DJs talk too much, call 398-4616 and tell THEM. 4. And for a more constructive move, call 398-8991 this weekend and put your MONEY where your MOUTH is. [BLEEP!] M Okay, folks, I think we have a killer music scene here, with amazing bands: Bran Van 3000, Refuel, Hol'fader, the Vendettas, the Whereabouts, Me and My Bones, Dubmatique. The major problem, though, is that there are no MAJOR LABELS--they are all in Toronto. But if French radio stations can pull off a Top 30 of Quebec bands, why can't CHOM or Mix 96 do the same? [BLEEP!] M This is DJ Ray Ray. I'd like to say that the Montreal rap scene is BLOWING UP nicely but that we gotta get rid of some wack shit out there. I'm talkin' about groups like Yanick--them two rappers is CRAZY WACK. Although I'll give mad props to the singer, 'coz she's nice. But this summer, and in the years to come, we're gonna STOMP out shit like that. Me, M.A.D. and other people all around town, we're gonna be dropping some nice shit. So people who got no flow and no lyrics better step the fuck off the scene or they're gonna get stomped. IT'S LIKE THAT. Peace. And, oh yeah, I'd also like to say that people who dis people personally and don't leave their names are PUSSIES. Later. [BLEEP!] FAXRANT Johnny Marcoucci here. What the hell is up with [promoter] GoldieLocks, why does he fuck up everything he does in Montreal? First, Shadow, a phat party last year that was supposed to be in this BEAUT location, ends up in a 14-by-18 club with only half the DJs showin' up. Then, his breakdancing competition last week had boycotters outside calling it a FRAUD. And Maestro Fresh Wes is fucking BAD NEWS. But there was one good show--Vice Verset did real good. And at least my friend Trackmaster won da shit. Well, all I have to say to you, Goldie, is stop smokin' CARCK [Ed: sic, I think] and get out of MTL or change your name or cut your hair. Or something. [BLEEP!] M I'm looking for a good PARTY tonight and I can't find one. Whatever happened to the good old raves--back like seven or eight years ago, Jesus Christ, I'm getting old--when you used to walk in, disappear in a cloud of smoke, pop a little Ecstasy, get naked and SWEAT all night? I miss those parties more than ever now. [BLEEP!]
FAXRANT I'm so sick of the put-here-any-foreign-brand-of-sticks-puffing-chansonnier-wannabes who inhabit this city. You know who you are, you stared at the sun. Name-dropping Gainsbourg or any of Les Immortels every fucking moment you get. Bards hiding under pseudonyms; megalomaniacs waiting to be discovered. You're just DEPRAVED. You're so vain you probably think this rant is about you. Well, it is. 'Tis all. [BLEEP!] F Thank GOD it is Open Forum, I have been waiting for this. This is a rant to all the bastards who think the Backstreet Boys are GAY and that they suck. I think you should take that stick and SHOVE IT up your ass a little further. They can sing, they can dance--I'm sure a thousand times better than you. So fuck you all, suck B-Rock's dick and LICK ASS. Thanks. [BLEEP!] F This is to all those nasty perverts out there. Chicks don't get turned on by HAIRY men jerking off in the métro, especially at 11 o'clock in the morning. You ruined our day and you gave ELASTIC WAISTBANDS a bad name. Go back to Amazon's where you belong! [BLEEP!] M Hi, I just want to let everyone in Montreal know that for the first time in ages I'm getting the opportunity to fuck a really SEXY 18-year-old chick. Bye. [BLEEP!] F Hi, my name's Cookie. I'm having a debate with my friends about the PENIS SIZE of a whale--we can't seem to get the size anywhere. If anyone can help out and let us know how it compares to the penis size of an elephant, please rant about it. [BLEEP!] [Ed's investigation: According to Haruki Murakami in his book A Wild Sheep Chase, a whale's penis is similar to a "tiny shrivelled palm tree" or a "giant ear of corn." An elephant's penis, on the other hand, is much bigger]. Next week: The penis size of local band members--is it bigger or smaller than what might be found internationally?
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