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This week: Norse metal gods, promoters in lace, the Spoon Army Plus: Heroic punk females save life of helpless drunken man! "edited" by AL SOUTH F Hi, my psychiatrist is in a really good band--he played me a demo in one of our sessions. I am actually a manager of bands as well as EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED, but my shrink won't let me help his career as long as I'm still his patient, seeing as it's not ethical. So I'm in a major quandary: I believe the world needs to hear these incredible sounds, but on the other hand, I think I'm about to make a big psychological breakthrough in the next few weeks of sessions. But I also know I'd take a whole lot of cash off this band, which would cure a lot of my anxiety. So I don't know what to do. Please help me. [BLEEP!] M Hello, I'm just calling to dispel a rumour that's been floating around concerning [mentions famous local promoter whose name is something like Steely Larousse] being arrested at the sex club L'Orage wearing fishnet stockings. That is absolutely FALSE: he was wearing white lace stockings. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!] M Hi, I am a musician and a music teacher. I would like to state that the album Anthems to the World King at Dusk by the Norwegian metal band Emperor is the best recording ever! These guys are BEYOND GODS and their album justifies the invention of the gramophone! They are from the ARSE of the universe and are only 21 years old, yet they match all the great composers, man. What an inspiration! [BLEEP!] M I'm calling to rant about the music scene, not only in Montreal but all over the WORLD. All music has gone to hell for one reason only: there's no more WOODSTOCK. We need to have more outside music festivals where everything is free and people can start fucking in the fields again. All we need is a little bit more indecent exposure and the music scene will be back and strong and healthy again. Thank you. [BLEEP!] M A funny thing happened to me last night on the way back from Madhatter's. I was a little DRUNK and as I was stumbling down Sherbrooke on my way home, I encountered these two youths who thought themselves to be THUGS. They decided to harass me and rough me up a little. Across the street, there were three young females of the PUNK persuasion who saw what was happening and took it upon themselves to aid me in my hour of need. They crossed the street, beat the thugs up and sent them running. And without a cursory glance, they were on their way. I didn't even get a chance to say thanks. If they see this, hopefully they will realize that I appreciate what they did for me. It's nice to know there are people in this world who care. Or maybe they were just thirsting for violence and wanted to get their own hands bloodied up a bit. Whatever the case, thanks. [BLEEP!] F In the words of KRS-1, a dope MC is a dope MC. Now he must have been talking about our fair city's very own Rkade. This is DJ UV Rays saying keep your ears to the ground and prepare to experience a whole new dimension in hip hop. [BLEEP!] M This is to all you whining COCKSMOKERS out there--get your heads out of your asses and stop complaining about the local music scene. You wanna check out the real scene, come to the Cabaret on Friday, March 27, and see Golden Mean, the Undercovers and Flashlight. That's what it's all about, you gimpy-eyed freaks!! [BLEEP!] M I've been out of town for a while, so can someone tell me what the hell happened to Lunadic Wax on CKUT? I can understand if Alexis Anonymous was too disgusted by what happened to the rave scene to continue, but I still think it was the best show for technoids--part of what started rave here in Montreal before it became the crap that it is. And what about FreeZone, what happened to that? I'm sure I'm not the only one asking. [BLEEP!] M This is Eric and I have something to say about the Montreal radio stations. What the fuck is going on? Where is the music? We're sick of hearing these idiots talk! CKUT and CISM--I used to hear good music all the time. Now they won't shut their mouths! [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, I just saw those South American buskers down at the métro. I think with all of this winding going on about whether or not Montreal has a good music scene, we should look at them--they're out there playing and having a good time and making people happy. Someone should give them a record contract and shut up all the wannabe rock stars in the city. Cheers. [BLEEP!] M How's it going, man? I work downtown, at a big prestigious type of job in a nice office building. Anyway, to make a long story short, this SPOON shit has got to stop. There was that rant about the spoon guy who hangs out in front of Ogilvy's? Well, one guy was enough! Now there's some old motherfucker who used to play accordion--he's switched to spoons! Then I walk a few blocks down and there's another fucker playing the spoons. There's like a SPOON ARMY happening, man. It's bad news. Clickety clack clack tabernac! [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum
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