New Year's Eve is the biggest club night of the year. Hands down. But you know that already. What you might not know is that it's also the one night that DJs big and small can grab the dicks of promoters and say: "Money. Lots." UK ligger/DJ Jeremy Healy will be receiving something close to $100,000 to play some happy house do in Britain this year. I doubt Montreal house jock Alain Vinet will be getting that much, but then he's pulling the other I-can-because-it's-New-Year's DJ trick: he's playing--quite exclusively, I assure you--at three different parties. Which makes him the MTL king of the cashola-grub for 1997. With DJ Eddie Lewis as a close second.

But I reckon this year the punters will be doing a bit of the old one-night-three-places themselves. I know I am having a very tough time planning around this Push '98/Celebration party split. And perplexed I am too--what with promoters Shock and 514 having become all snuggly together when they made Cream this past summer.

So let's investigate what our promoters are up to, shall we? In this month's issue of flash-rag Fly, a magazine put out by 514 (but in no way a glorified flyer for their events at all--look there's a Nitebox ad in here too!), there is an ad for their Celebration party. And the ad bears a sticker on it. Being the astute reporter, I peeled it off. "Doc Martin and DJ Sneak" were the offending words under the cover-up adhesive. Two DJs actually playing at the rival party--Shock's Push '98 party. Hmmm. Did Shock steal 514's thunder? "No comment," says 514's Ricardo. Was there some tiff that split one megabash in two? "It's a long story that I'd rather not get into, but, er, yes," says Shock's Jason Joyal.

Right-o. Anyhow, I get into both. But here's an examination of each party for your wallet's sake: Celebration happens at Sona for 37 hours straight. and the out-of-towners are decent but not particularly fresh, if you know what I mean (Felix the Housecat, Kevin Saunderson). Nonetheless, the party vibe at Sona will be a tough one to beat--all of their regular lineup are on board, and they're even letting Double "A" & Twist back in the club for '98. Also spinning is, er, Alain Vinet.

Push is the result of Shock going all Toronto on us. The party, happening at the new McGill sports center, is being done in collaboration with promoters from T.O.'s Industry, which is cute, but gives a lineup that feels more like their city than ours. DJ Sneak, now an official Torontonian (fell in love, moved--"Chicago" is still near his name on flyers, you can bet) will not be chugging down on the decks, but will be doing a "live" show. Oy. Also, LA's Doc Martin and New York's Eric Morillo (why, please?) play, plus Kenny Glasgow and Mario J from Toronto, a host of locals, but not, I'm afraid, Alain Vinet.

Other than that, Playground/Groove/Storm are getting together with half of this city's DJs (and Alain Vinet) and throwing a party spanning the three clubs. That posse's always good for a ridiculous slogan or two, this time it's "one room, one sin; seven rooms, seven sins!" So all those who can do seven sins in one room might want to alert the bouncers first.

Non boom-boom-boom picks

Fancy-dancy: Keith and Karyn are putting together their huge, formal R&B blowout, Diamonds and Pearls, for the third year in a row. In the Palais de Congès. Just follow the long, billowing white overcoats à la Puff Daddy, then. Top night.

Fancy-skancy: Jailhouse Rock Café changes from cool ska/surf venue to something entirely different in the New Year. Say bye to the only non-pay-to-play institution left in this city with the Kingpins, Flashlight, the Treblemakers and many others.

Fancy-shmancy: Brush up on your post-post-prog-rock with Godspeed You Black Emperor!, Orphan Sound System, Exhaust and Schelabi Effect at Isart.

Fancy-Francy: Get down with Gainsbourg and French people drinking pastis at C'est Extra! at Cabaret. It's the second year for this, and it will be packed. Get there early.

Er, not fancy at all: Those who call the Plateau both their home and spirit will be be overjoyed to hear that the Bifteck will be providing a buffet for its patrons on the 31st. Six different varieties of yellow popcorn!!! Wahey!!