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This week: Peachy heartbeats, the indie illuminati, the Blood Orange whores. Plus: The first ever rant from a cop! "edited" by AL SOUTH M Uh, yeah, hi. I just want to say that about a month ago I went to [a popular local club] and like any other night out clubbing, I took some drugs. I took a PEACH, which is part of your big fruit salad of speed. But the scary part is that the next day on my way home my HEART went berserk and I had to go to hospital and get fucking electric shock to bring my heartbeat down. So you know what I've realized: it's not worth it. Just think about that the next time you're handing over $25--it could possibly be for life. [BLEEP!] M This is for the girl who was bemoaning the drought of tres cool indie rock illuminati like John Kastner and the other beautiful people in Montreal. Caller, you have unintentionally synopsized the life and death of this city. I mean, are the oh-so-boring Doughboys the only legacy? What really is left in the anglo art scene? We've got hip hop with its hive/drone culture and its anti-musical repetitiveness. We've got YAWP!, with its come-one-come-all, leave-your-talent-at-the-door egalitarian ethic, when all you really experience is bourgeois angst mixed with contrived and unnatural so-called spoken word. And, of course, incredibly bad guitar playing. It's the end of the millennium and suddenly everyone is an artist and no one has the guts to say this is bad or, for that matter, this is better. And when they do, the sensitive soul on the receiving end of the criticism has to take out a FULL PAGE AD in the paper to say how mean that was. How pathetic. Everything is permissible, all art has equal value, I'm okay, you're okay, and gee we miss Johnny Kastner. [BLEEP!] F To all those Blood Orange whores. Don't ever touch my man again! You know who I'm talking about, you tried to take his pants off!! You think I don't know?! [BLEEP!] M This is for the chick who was wondering where all the Britpop fans are in Montreal. Well, honey, if you were at the Suede concert you know there are a lot of us. Were you at the Supergrass concert? Were you at the Manson and the Seahorses concert? The Blur concert? Hmmm. 'Coz we were all there. This summer was amazing in Montreal for Britpop--where the hell were you? And no offence, honey, but the West Island is the West Island. You might want to get a little closer to the city. [BLEEP!] M Hey man, I'm a local ska fan and I just gotta say that I like Gangster Politics a lot better than the Kingpins. But I heard this rumour that Gangster Politics isn't gonna be on the All Skanadian Club 3! What's up with that!? This is complete CRAP. Gangster Politics is probably the best ska band in Montreal. [BLEEP!] [Two F voices intermingling] This is Angie and I'm Julie and and we're calling the Rant Line to complain about the Korn Question Line. They cut us off! We were telling them how much they suck because they wouldn't answer our questions and they cut us off! It's a conspiracy! Korn sucks now! Jonathan Davis is getting fatter. Not phat, but fat fat. He is literally fat. He is SO FAT. He is hairy, too. And you better print this because we paid 50 cents to three way you. [BLEEP!] F To Mr. Al South. I DID NOT say "Christ" at the end of my rant. [Ed's note: Thanks for setting the record straight]. F This has nothing to do with music, but I have one thing to say to all you Montreal people: let me get off the fucking subway! Let people get off before you get on! Have you never been to Toronto? Have you never been to Vancouver? They let you get off before they get on. Let me off!! [BLEEP!] M Hi. I was on the 165 bus going down Côte-des-Neiges today. This hysterical woman wanted to get off but the bus driver wouldn't stop. So she started screaming. He only stopped at the next stop, and she got out and had an EPILEPTIC SEIZURE. No one helped her, no one did anything, no one cared. I'm just ranting about it... I don't know why... I don't know why. [BLEEP!] M It's very strange how people are quick to condemn the police, yet at 2 a.m., when they hear someone knocking on their door or rattling their window, what number do they call? 911! I am a former police officer and I've never called the Rant Line before, but I used to work in Toronto and I am still involved in the serve-and-protect industry. I'm telling you, conciliation is the best policy. It is better for people to sit down with the police and try to understand what the job entails: the difficulties, the stresses, the split-second decision-making that is required. As for the poor kids in the parks who get ticketed: we can't have everything. People want nice clean streets, they want to feel safe and secure. Yet, oh my god, how dare we suppress the rights of PUNK ROCKERS who jump out at us and SQUEEGEE our windows or sit in parks collecting WELFARE and PANHANDLING and BEGGING. If they would attempt to make some concessions and try to meet with the norms of society, they would be able to get JOBS. [BLEEP!] Next week: What exactly are the norms of society?
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