Angel >> Chief of Defense Staff Gen. Maurice Baril Perhaps it's a bold step for alternative journalism to applaud the military, but Gen. Baril is the first Chief of Defense in decades to get something right. Reportedly angered over the plodding pace at which Canada's armed forces were integrating women among their ranks, the good General decided to reserve 500 combat positions--infantry, artillery and so forth--specifically for women. It's the strangest kind of affirmative action ever implemented: women now have the equal right to die in the trenches as the men. Three cheers!

Insect >> Big Brother Software Inc. Despite all the utopian bullshit you've heard to the contrary, technology is not your friend. It's your boss' friend--or, more to the point, it's your boss' stool pigeon. SilverStone Software of Pittsburgh has developed a program that takes random screen shots of all the different computers attached to an office network and sends them to your supervisor. You too may soon get caught surfing the Net or writing a term paper. Remember: you are not a human being. You are human capital. Anything you do at the office may be used against you in a wrongful dismissal lawsuit.