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This week: Platinum reviews, techno onomatopoeia, Mariah Carey's heels. Plus: Looking for love, looking for mush! "edited" by AL SOUTH M Hi, this is Chris Burns calling. I watched the Platinum pilot on CBC last night and I'd just like to apologize to anyone who may have recognized me in it. I'm embarrassed and ashamed to have had anything to do with such a MORONIC CHUNK of television. The main character in Platinum often talks to a photograph of John Lennon that he has up on his wall. Ironically, John Lennon was over at my house last night and we watched Platinum together. He said that if Platinum were a barometer of the intelligence of the average Canadian, then we have the mentality of a cripplingly unimaginative 14-year-old boy who can't quite adjust to the hormonal imbalance of pubescence. I guess that since Albert NERENTURD left, we need someone like Bruce McDonald to fill the void of mediocrity dressed up in cheesy video effects. But don't get me wrong: getting $100 to do diddly on the set was probably the high point of my summer. So Mr. McDonald, if you read this--I'll suck the cash out of your crap any day. [BLEEP!] M Hello, we are calling about the tragedy that is Platinum. [f voice] Tragedy is an understatement. [m] It's supposed to be about the Montreal music scene, but it's more about the drug-addled dreams of people like Bruce McDonald and certain burnt-out local musicians. We just couldn't believe how BAD it was: we could say bad for the next five minutes and not give you a clue. [f] We were CRINGING. [m] And even though it had an all-girl band and another woman as a lead character, it still managed to be incredibly SEXIST and stupid. [f] And somewhat RACIST too: there's one scene where this big star is about to get raped, and guess who's doing the raping--the only person of colour in the whole thing! [BLEEP!] M Yeah, I just wanted to tell you about the best-looking female band in Montreal: Slightly Mad. I just LOVE that tall guitarist and I love that slim cute singer and even that voluptuous bass player. I wish I could have all three at the same time--one of them would be dominating me and making me suffer with WHIPS... anyway, I really like this band. I would love to be their SEX SLAVE. [BLEEP!] M I have a rant for 99.9 the BUZZ. If you're so alternative, then why don't you start being true to your word and play some real alternative bands? Like Danzig, Paradise Lost, Type O-Negative, Life of Agony, Fear Factory or Prong? Or are they too HEAVY for your corporate playlist? I love your station, but you should start thinking about what alternative means. Because most of your so-called alternative music is today's corporate pop rock. [BLEEP!] M First-time caller here. I wanna know why it's so hard in this city to find MUSH. Mushrooms! Can't find 'em anywhere. What's up, Montreal? Where are the mushroom lovers? [BLEEP!] F What I want to say is that I HATE those stupid BAR SLUTS. All those little girls with their short skirts and their little CROP TOPS who go to bars with their friends' IDs and go home with guys and then having SEX with them and the next morning crying because the guy doesn't like them. They are the reason date rape exists, they are the reason AIDS is on the rise, they are the reason for violence against women. It's these little sluts who are ruining it for the rest of us and I hate them. [BLEEP!] M Since the Rant Line is turning into the Hot Date line, I thought I would put in my ad: unemployed, slightly chubby failed poet, late 30s, small penis, seeks six to eight very open and attractive bisexual women to share luxury house. House not included. Masturbation optional. All of this is true except for the penis. Do not respond to this column. And now, please god, let's get back to the music. [BLEEP!] F My name is Lisa and I just want to know what's up with Mariah in that video "Honey." OOOHH! UGGGGH! Who does she think she is, with those fucking HEELS on in that pool? C'mon, fuck! [BLEEP!] M Yeah, well, I would like to comment on the techno scene in Montreal. I think it SUCKS, it's just a whole lot of fucking HOUSE, why can't we have some more hardcore?! [starts making hardcore-like noises] BrrMMM BrrMM bRRRmm bdddrrrpp BMMM BMMM. Bmm grrrshhh GRshhh bmm bmm. One thousand BPM in your fucking face! [BLEEP!] M Yeah, I'm responding to your question last week about LESBIANS, who I definitely love to admire. But I find that the Montreal music scene already has more than its fair share of them. It's bad enough already that we WANT them, let alone that we have to see them making out together, obviously exciting our MALE LUST. Of course, I was happy to see two LOVELY girls dancing on stage at the Grim Skunk show a month ago, FEELING EACH OTHER UP live for our pleasure. But please, stop teasing us! Leave a few girls for us poor lonely men. [BLEEP!] Next week: Should the next episode of Platinum be about Refuel?
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