The Amateur's Guide to the black & blue by MIREILLE SILCOTT I've never known any party organization as verbose as the Bad Boy Club. Only their flyer could turn a party into a wallpaper-sized labyrinth of numbers, dates and misplaced quotation marks. But some things are nonetheless missing on the pamphlet for this Sunday's Black & Blue--the stuff you really need to know, even over what time those Bad Boy Club Dancers are performing. I mean, if you're going to shell out $35 for a party, you don't want to mess it up by getting lost for hours (as I did last year; found sleeping behind a light board), buying dodgy drugs, being thrown out for stealing a fishbowl of condoms, or getting into a fight with a K'd up muscle boy over who reached the Port-o-let first. So here's a handy guide to help you out. And remember: you're only an outsider so long as you feel like one, baby. >>> Dress: From my experience, the best thing seems not to dress at all. But if you have a job and can't gym it every three hours the way most at the B&B set seem inclined to do, then why not try something nonconformist? Paint "I Hate Gym Queens" on a T-shirt to convey your employment and mask your insecurity. >>> Fights: If the aforementioned T-shirt or something else gets you into a squabble at the party, you won't find help too soon. Last year two boys were having it out and everyone thought they were dancing until one of them got punched out. So be nice. >>> Dance: The punching dance is a favoured one, as the last anecdote explains. Also try the standing-in-one-place flexing dance, which seems to be the most popular B&B move of all. Anything else is quite impossible, unless you want to boogie by the snack bar, where you'll have more room to express. >>> Drugs: Don't buy them off someone wearing Montreal Canadiens sweatpants, because he's probably an undercover. If you're bringing your own favours, take them before going in (preferably not in front of the Citybeat cameras), because they'll check ya at the door, mate. >>> Picking Up: My friend George has a tip on this subject. "Wait outside the party," he says. "Tell anyone you like that you're a reporter doing a piece on the circuit and need to interview people. Carry a pad. It really works." It's never worked for me, but if you want to give it a go with full authenticity, use Blueline Reporter Note Pads, >>> Losing Your Friends: No easy solution to this one. Renting a cell-phone was one idea, albeit not a very good one ("I'm on the dance floor near a bunch of half-naked guys and a speaker.." "Really? So am I!"). Just accept that wandering around is part and parcel of the B&B, and probably as much fun as flexing on the dancefloor anyhow. Big luck going out to DJs Mark Anthony, Brent Nicholls and Danny Tenaglia, the BBCM and the 10, 000 getting ready. For info on the Black & Blue and all surrounding events, call 875-7026.