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"EDITED" BY AL SOUTH This week: Skinhead reggae, Christian punk, a dorky Jewish guy! Plus: Royal Jelly coagulates at 6:20 a.m.!! F I just want to mention how happy I am now that the BUZZ has started playing MXPX. I hope the BUZZ will open their eyes to other CHRISTIAN punk bands and ska bands like 90 Pound Wish, Five Iron Frenzy, Squad 50 and 121. It really sucks when a great band is excluded from normal music stations just because of their FAITH. Hail Jesus, from Frida the Kat. [BLEEP!] M I'm calling about the Valvoline Motocross that took place on Saturday. You know, security guards are real CHEESEHEADS. See, I know a few of the riders from California. One of them recognized me, and when he was done he threw me his GOGGLES. And these asshole security guards pushed me down. And it's kinda funny, 'coz the rider had waved me over, too. But these fat, stupid pieces of [pushes dial pad button to make BLEEP sound] pushed me down. Not cool. Rave promoters should fire that guy. He sucks. Yeah. By the way, motocross is a cool sport. For those of you who went, I hope you enjoyed it. [BLEEP!] M Hi, this is [someone claiming to be] Tom from Royal Jelly [coughs]. It's 6:20 in the morning and I've been working for two hours LIFTING a Stevie Wonder tune called "Too High"--which I guess is appropriate--from Innervisions. I have a rant for the local, I dunno, maybe it's the spoken-word people. If any of you ever start to write lyrics for yourselves or anyone else, do me a favour and make sure that you look over the lyric sheet before it's printed on the record. Because I've lost track of the times of the number of times I've been lifting a song and then realized that someone hasn't been able to log real time onto paper correctly. This may sound like a small thing, but it's 20 after six in the goddam morning [coughs repeatedly]. [BLEEP!] M Hello. This is the baddest man in the world telling you about the baddest reggae show in Montreal. It's on Kahnawake K103.7, it's called Higher Heights Vibrations. Damn, those boys are nice. [BLEEP!] M Hi, my name's Mike, I do a ska show on Dawson radio. I'd like to complain about something and at the same time inform the population of Montreal. For some reason, every time I've used the term SKINHEAD REGGAE I've gotten a really weird reaction from people who think I'm some sort of NAZI. First of all, I'm not--I'm actually a DORKY JEWISH GUY. I'm not in any way racist, 'coz that would go against the spirit of ska. Generally speaking, skinheads are not racist and I wish people would stop stereotyping them like that. 'Coz then I catch hell for playing a song like "Skinhead Love Affair" by Bad Manners. It pisses me off and I wish everybody would just lay off. Thanks for giving me this little soapbox to stand on. [BLEEP!] M Hello, this is Kruickshank [?!] from the Kingpins and I just want to explain why the local scene sucks here in Montreal. Because bands keep covering up each other's POSTERS instead of working together. There's plenty of room for everybody--so why doesn't everyone just FUCK OFF. [BLEEP!] M This is Mr. G calling to say that I hate Puff Daddy so much that I had to write a little rhyme about it. All right, here goes [starts rapping in a fairly credible manner]: "This is for those who listen to Puff Daddy/You need to drink some coffee and wake up/Because he doesn't represent hip hop/He only seeks money and a juicy pussy/But after he meets me, he's gonna need a whole pharmacy/To ease his pain 'coz my brain is going insane/From all the bullshit critics call hits/Although he's a perfect fit for street sense's pit/Girls keep rubbing their tits every hour/Because Mix 96 got no flavour/I'm here to crush the one with the bad behaviour/So you better call me Mister 'coz like Charles Xavier/I'm a human life saver. SUCKER. [BLEEP!] F Hi. Call me an ignoramus, but what the hell is Wu-Tang? I keep reading all these rants about Wu-Tang, and I have, like, no clue what it is. And I haven't seen anyone wearing any Wu-Tang shirts. So would someone please educate me on what the heck is Wu-Tang? [BLEEP!] M Hi, this is Vince. Will people stop trashing Madonna? She's the best thing to happen to pop music since Olivia Newton-John. In Evita she was just incredible. Thanks for listening to me. Bye. [BLEEP!] F Hello. Emily Z. and Christine M. talking. We're best friends and we never thought we'd be anything more until we saw ELLEN'S inspiring speech at the Emmys. Now we want to STICK OUT. So here's a poem: "Sorry, Tyler and Max/You have to get the facts/We're GAY to stay and soon we'll go ALL THE WAY." [BLEEP!] M Who gives a shit what celebrities look like? It's what they do that counts. [BLEEP!] Next week: Is the band ReFuel particularly lame even by the sorry standards of the Montreal music "business"? Or does everyone think they're GREAT?