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"EDITED" BY AL SOUTH This week: Morrissey mauled, rock girls punched, Mirror payola! Plus: wet T-shirt scandal at the Peel Pub! f I'd just like to comment on the White Trash day in the park brought to you by the Concordia Student Union. Why in a school that's so into multiculturism and pride and people coming from different areas would they have only white-ass bands play? What about reggae or ska or even FRENCH RAP? The highlight of the day was the guy from Junkhouse talking about his wife buying a piece of hash as big as her HEAD. What does that teach you about people? [BLEEP!] m This is in response to the guy who phoned in wondering why My Big Wheel don't get any offers for big shows. One explanation would be their lyrics. Here goes: "She dresses so you can see her underwear/Rock 'n' roll girls/Oh god how much I hate those rock 'n' roll girls/I want to PUNCH them right in the face/Those rock 'n' roll girls." I don't really think there's any room for that kind of band in our scene. Thanks. [BLEEP!] m While sitting at the Spectrum watching Rap City 97, I witnessed 20 groups take the stage and I wondered to myself if they truly comprehend the complexity, the genius, the street poetry and the flowing verses that come from the likes of Rakim, the Wu-Tang Clan, Notorious B.I.G., Naz, KRS-1 or Busta. How ironic that the best performance, hands down, was a guest appearance by a four-man group called the Technical Sense. I've been to hip hop shows outside of Canada and inside of Canada and we're the only city who doesn't BOO wack performances off the stage. Take the Apollo Theater--some of America's most legendary acts have been booed off the stage there. It's time for Montreal to start booing wack performances! Go back to the lab, y'all. [BLEEP!] m This is the Quintessential Complainer Throughout Time. It's been a while, but I have something for you: Jack Beats nimble, Jack Beats quick, Jack Beats is one motherfucking prick. By the way, this concerns Jack Beats the DJ. Thank you. [BLEEP!] f I'll keep it short and brief. I would like to tell the asshole who MAULED Morrissey at the end of his concert that it was not appreciated. All his fans are very, very mad, especially since it took 10 years for him to come back to Montreal. It might take another 10 now, thanks to you, loser. I hope your two minutes of fame ended with a good PUNCH in the face. [BLEEP!] m Yeah, this is a freestyle rap on the New York City incident of police brutality, where they beat up a Haitian man. I'm not a professional lyricist, but here's my rap. [clears throat, recites earnestly] "The cops sodomized some Haitian in NYC/Crime rates are down but can't you see/The men in blue don't serve and protect, they got the nerve to neglect/Forget about respect, they'll never get any respect/'Coz the core of the Big Apple is rotten/Police brutality will not be forgotten." Alan Michael, on the Rant Line! [BLEEP!] m [loud rebellious punk rock is heard in the background] Yeah, I'm calling from Montreal and I was listening to the BUZZ. You know, if they wanna break into Montreal, they have to change their ways. I mean, cutting out the swear words and shit, it doesn't work. Not in Montreal, man. Maybe in Burlington, where they can't express themselves. But up here in Montreal we're not afraid of saying what we want. If we feel like saying fuck, we'll say FUCK. [BLEEP!] m I've called to rant because I'm in a Montreal band that gets no recognition from your STINKING newspaper, even though I submit my CD and I call and I call. But nobody calls me back. But what else is new in this stinking town?! You have to go out of town to become well-known and then come back and then they'll kiss your ass. You JERKS. Or maybe it's all about fucking PAYOLA! [BLEEP!] [Ed's note: Don't know about the rest of the Mirror, but over here at the Rant Line it's all about Pay ol' Al South. To guarantee your band prompt and favourable coverage in this column, simply send $20 cash, discreetly, to Al South, c/o the Mirror. For rants over 50 words, please add $10 per each additional 25 wds. To keep your band OUT of the Rant Line, send $100]. m I'm a REPORTER and I'm calling from the Peel Pub, where there's a wet T-shirt contest going on. Sunday night, happening live, now. Here's the scoop: a girl who had a BRA on underneath her T-shirt won the $200! Whereas there was this nice, beautiful kick-ass blonde with HUGE TITS--everyone was cheering for her--but she did not win! Yo Peel, what's up? There are RULES in wet T-shirt contests. You're not supposed to wear bras! I'm gonna be the fighter of injustices in the Montreal clubbing and drinking scene. Just call me... [thinks hard]... BEER MAN! I will be reporting soon on other serious matters. [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum.