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"EDITED" BY AL SOUTH This week: Oasis gut shot, Cockney rhyming slang, visions of Ozzy. Plus: Jake Brown attacks ska, defends taste and decency! f Hello, I'm calling to rant about Oasis. This could get nasty, but here goes. Oasis SUCK. Whoever started calling them the Beatles of our generation should be dragged out into the street and SHOT--in the GUTS, 'coz it hurts more. That band is composed of a bunch of egotistical, egomaniacal assholes and we are perpetuating their delusions of grandeur by buying their albums and making them rich. Maybe they'll track me down and SUE me for saying that, since they enjoy suing people so much. But who gives a shit? They're a bunch of no-talented, sound-edited, over-hyped, sorry motherfuckers and I've read better lyrics on the back of cereal boxes. Better bands are struggling for recognition while these jerks are soaking up our homage. I just wish they could BE HERE NOW so that I and everyone who feels the way I do could make a few choice hand gestures in their faces. [BLEEP!] m Last night Ozzy Osbourne came to me in a dream and told me to take more drugs. [BLEEP!] m This is Bobby from the Kingpins. I was just wondering why Mireille Silcott said that Gloria Gaynor had a big hit with "Don't Leave Me This Way" when actually it was a big hit for Thelma Houston. Not that I listen to disco or anything. [BLEEP!] m This is about the local punk scene. In a way it's in a really good state, but at the same time it's in a really sorry state. Recently we've been seeing the same groups opening for all the big bands: Third Fall, Don's Corporal, Men of Steel, Reset. I have nothing against these bands, nothing at all. But there are other really good groups out there who should be given more of a shot to play bigger shows, like My Big Wheel or All the Answers. They are both wicked bands who don't get enough exposure. They're sitting around their garages practising really hard--they're not getting the chance they should! [BLEEP!] m Yeah hi, my name is Michael L. I just heard about Princess Di's death and I'd like to say it wasn't an accident. That bitch THE QUEEN set it all up. [BLEEP!] f This message is for all you girls who think that dating artists is cool. I just got over a nine-month relationship with [names prominent singer/songwriter whose name in Cockney rhyming slang might be DOG SPLITTER*] who just so happens to be completely fucked up in the head, like most singers are. Artists are complete LOSERS, stay away from them. Fuck them all you want, but don't go out with them, especially when they tell you they're married two weeks after you've started sleeping with them. They're all pieces of shit and they're all the same. [BLEEP!] f Hi, my psychiatrist called me a namby-pamby. I was just wondering if one should consider that unethical or psychological strategy? [BLEEP!] m This is JAKE BROWN and I've waited two years before ranting, because not until now have I had something to rant about. Stomp Records, the ska people, sent me a communique saying that I was a cunt, C-U-N-T, for never featuring any ska bands at my shows. Well, it's true, I think ska is EVIL because they have lyrics about sex and shit. [Starts to sing in a choppy, ska-like meter] "You take a Wrigley's gum/Then you stick it up your bum/And you chew, chew it." That's a ska dance tune--it's an affront to taste and decency. Fucking pricks. [BLEEP!] m [crowd noises in the background] Hi. I'd like to say that hippies come from hell and that I'm at the Urban Folk Rock Fest at Foufounes Électriques and it SUCKS too--there's a bitch who can't sing for her life and this goddam geek on the bass. Thank you ever so much. [f] I'm a goddamn slut and I too am at the Urban Folk Rock fest and right now I'm having sex with my BEER BOTTLE and it's so fucking good. It's... so fucking... [moans]... good! [f continues to moan, m comes back on the line] I'm looking at JAKE BROWN right now--he's the leader of some sort of scene, I'm not sure which one. He's got a BUTT that just won't quit. He's got the nicest ass I've ever seen--I'd like to rub his bald head all over my penis. OH YEAH. I'd also like to say that the Rant Line sucks, everything SUCKS [f] I'm... still... fucking... my... beer bottle... [m] 99.9 the BUZZ sucks! [f] I'm from Blood Orange... Blood... Orange... [m] Dogs Playing Poker suck. Simon and Garfunkel suck. Porno sucks. [f] Penises... don't... suck... [m] But Woody Allen doesn't suck, I like Woody Allen. [f] Dan Webster's so HOT I just can't stand it... he's walking by right now and I just can't... DAN... YES.. UMM... YEAH... [m] Professor Griff SUCKS. [f, coming back to her senses] Okay, that's enough. You should print this because it has a direct liaison with the Montreal scene. 'Coz we're scenesters at Foufounes Électriques. Chilling, like scenesters do. [BLEEP!] *Or would it be Spaniel Cleaver? Next week: Open forum.